The First Week

The actual turbine that took my brother's life. 

On the weekend of Logan's death he had gone down to Texas on a quick trip with fellow cattlemen and friends, Brent Beitelspacher and Nick Reimann with pilot D.J. Fischer. Logan probably didn't know D.J. personally before (although we didn't know he had impacted 3/4th of the lives that he had until it was too late) but he did play football against his brothers. The trip was centered around the Mimms Cattle Company Sale and Logan was going because some cattle raised on our farm were in the sale. Logan also wanted to start raising and selling more club calves so he was going down to network. Logan HATED traveling and it took a lot of whining by a woman in his life (either his wife, Nattie, me or my mom) before he went anywhere so I was surprised to hear he was going and even more so that he was flying. From what I understood they were leaving Sat morning and were coming back Sunday early afternoon; a quick trip.

     As I mentioned before I was surprised that Logan was flying, what I didn't know was that it was a private flight on a small plane. The trip down was rough, I'm sure a 6 person plan isn't the smoothest of rides. Then the weather was rough on Sunday so they postponed flying back for a few hours and apparently two wanted to wait the wind out and two just wanted to get home. We know Logan wasn't excited to get back on the plane and friends of his were willing to drive him back, but Logan hates long car rides even more than he hates bumpy plane rides so on the plane he went. Two of his last text messages were "I'm going to kiss the ground when I get home." to my dad and "DJ is the best" to Natalie. At this point, I want to make VERY clear that the Rau family does not put ANY blame on the pilot ,D.J. We've heard nothing but good things about his skills as a pilot. During private research a pilot flew the same path they did, with the same type of plane, and the pilot said that D.J. absolutely knew what he was doing. The clouds were lying low so D.J. flew low to get under them, which is common practice, and was following the highway straight into Highmore, where he was landing to drop Nick off. We do not know how the plane impacted the turbine, and I guess at this point it doesn't matter to the story; what matters is that it did and here we are.

     Natalie was at her parents place the weekend Logan was gone and got home Sunday, checked cattle (it was calving season) and later went to bed. When her alarm went off to check cattle again, she thought it was weird that Logan wasn't home yet and even more so that he hadn't contacted her when they landed in Gettysburg and drove home. So, she called my parents to see if they had heard anything and that's when the phone calls started around the state to find out where they were. No one knew anything. I have no idea what time the search started or who started it. I know D.J.'s wife called 911 and the Sheriff and there was some balking when it came to starting a search. I also know that D.J.'s brothers searched for the plane and that after it was found my dad and Logan's best friend, John Muske went to the crash site but weren't allowed near it, for their own sake. From what I understand the first responders were awesome and it was not an easy site to work on. Things sort of fell apart after that when it came to their belongings, the site clean-up, investigation, etc etc but more on that on a later day.

     As some of you know I live in Wyoming so was 8 hours away when I got the phone call that effectively killed pre-April 27, 2014 TiAnn and gave birth to the person I am today. When you experience a loss as unexpected and painful as this one, there is absolutely no way for you to wake up the next day as the same person. I already posted the exchange between my mother and I when I got the call, but I'll put it on this page too.

It is 4:00 am mountain time on April 28, 2014. I am lying in my bed, in a weird half awake and half asleep limbo. I haven’t been able to get into a good deep sleep all night even though I had spent the previous day until 1 am cleaning and organizing our garage with my husband while trying to keep my one year old entertained but out of harm’s way, not an easy multitasking project. I’ve tried getting something to drink. I’ve tried getting something to eat. I walked around our house making sure everything is as it should be. I check on my daughter to make sure she is okay. Nothing takes away the uneasy feeling I have in my stomach.

I’ve been known to internalize my feelings before, ending up with a stomach ache and a feeling of dread I cannot explain. In the past, I had even gone as far as to call my mom to make sure everyone was okay. She just told me everyone is fine, laughed at me, and asked if it was time to up my meds. Oh by the way I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder by some professionals and a general mood disorder by other professionals for several years now, no secrets here.

All of a sudden my husband’s phone rings. My heart drops. He looks at the caller ID and hands the phone to me. My heart drops further. It’s my mom, I answer.

“Ti, Logan’s plane was on its way back from Texas and it didn’t make it.” TiAnn’s mother, Shonda, blurts out.

“We’ll start packing and we’ll be home as soon as we can.” TiAnn replies.

Shonda says, “Please wait until its light out. I love you TiAnn.”

“We will.” TiAnn lies. “I love you too.”

TiAnn hangs up the phone and stares in front of her, her husband asks what happened with fear in his eyes and a crack in his voice. TiAnn turns her head toward Matt and states, ‘Logan’s dead.’

To this day, over two months later, it still doesn’t seem like I was the lead in that story. I can’t possibly be that TiAnn. My brother can’t possibly be the one that was in the plane that didn’t make it home. I can’t be the person that got up out of bed, went to the closet, grabbed her suitcase and started carefully placing clothes into it. I’m not the older sister that chanted ‘It’s not true, it can’t be true, he’s okay’ over and over and over again both in her head and out loud. I’m not the one that texted ‘Logey’ on her phone begging him to come back home because we needed him.

But I am.

Right away my first thoughts were about my parents. As I was packing I send a picture of HadLee sleeping peacefully. I think I thought that by showing them their grandbaby lying so serenely would convey the message that everything is going to be okay. How stupid.

     We are very blessed to live in the place we do as my parents house was immediately filled by loving family and friends to be with my parents and Natalie while I was traveling. From what I've been told my mom and Nattie were in a daze and crying. My father was screaming. It still breaks my heart to think of that and the fact that I wasn't able to be there for them as soon as we found out. I spent the days up to the funeral in total and complete shock doing my best to field phone calls, answer questions, make decisions, and comfort my parents. Natalie was being well cared for by her mom and dad and some family friends.

     I don't remember a lot. I remember setting up the Facebook Event 'Remember Logan with a Smile' which later became our slogan. I wanted a way to keep everyone in the loop because as I've mentioned he had impacted a lot of people and they all wanted to know what was going on as far as when visitation and the funeral was. I remember getting the news that it would be a closed casket ceremony and that we couldn't see Logan. To this day I struggle with that. I can still feel his soft hair. I remember realizing that they never asked for a suit to bury him in either. That was a hard pill to swallow, but I only told my husband; I prayed my parents and Nattie wouldn't think of that. For those of you that are curious, he was buried covered by a white robe-like garment, we found that out much later though. I remember being overwhelmed by the number of people who RSVPed to the Facebook event and realizing that we may have to move the funeral from the church to the school. Logan and I had each been given our first communion, confirmed, and married in that church; it only seemed right his funeral would be held there too. However, after much thought I decided that the church is about the people not the bricks and that it was more important that every person that came to pay their respects to Logan could be a part of it and not asked to sit in the church basement; so it was moved to the high school gym.

     I remember proofing Logan's obituary and thinking, 'this is so empty, he is so much more than that!' So being the insanely type A person that I am, I took to editing it and adding to it. I remember having to save it to my computer but just could not type obituary into the file name so I saved it as 'LogansStory.' I remember cropping down pictures of Logan and Brent for the newspapers (Brent's family and ours have been close for a looong time). I remember going through the pictures and thinking 'Oh my God. I am finding a picture for my brother's funeral.' That was one of many 'revelations' I would be having.

     I remember driving to Aberdeen with Kimberly to go buy clothes for me to wear to 4 funerals. As I was looking I remember thinking, 'how the f* is this what I'm doing on a Wednesday afternoon? How the hell did I get from organizing my garage in Wyoming to Aberdeen buying a dress for my BROTHER'S FUNERAL.' To say it all seem surreal is an understatement.

     I remember feeling an indescribable urge to call D.J.'s brothers. I needed to let them know that we did not blame D.J. and were not cursing the ground he walked on. I needed them to know that Logan told his wife that 'DJ is the best.' I needed them to know we are in this together. I hope that message helped, as I am pretty sure it was a divine nudge that prompted a man-hunt to find their phone numbers.

     I remember going to Brent's funeral and realizing we didn't have anyone to talk at Logan's funeral. I remember standing in the same spot my father gave me away at my wedding, to greet people as they say good-bye to my brother. I remember hugging, and smiling, and hugging, and crying, and thanking, and hugging, and saying thank-you, and crying, etc etc. I remember when one of my close friends came into the church and I collapsed into her arms. I remember my parents walking into the church. I remember sitting cross-legged like a little girl with my head bent down and resting on the casket next to Logan's head and talking to him. I remember my dad saying it was time to go.

     I remember sitting at the kitchen table writing a eulogy. I started by reading Logan's twitter account, you can't imagine the amount of laughs we got out of that. Logan was famous for his one liners and to be honest they were pretty good. He had also posted a picture from his window seat on the plane. But seriously, how the hell do you write your 25 year old brother's eulogy?! I decided to do the way he'd want it done, with humor. Logan HATED it when people cried, so I didn't want a gymnasium full of runny noses and wet faces to be caused by his memory.

     I remember sitting by myself in the church before the funeral doing my best to hold it all together so I could give my brother's eulogy. I remember when we all had to get organized to get our instructions on how everything was going to play out. I remember arguing with my uncle because the pastor didn't want me to talk at the funeral. He didn't think I'd make it through it and that I would only add to the sadness. Not talking at the funeral was not an option, and I made that clear. I could have been a bit more diplomatic about it, but I wasn't in a very diplomatic mood. I just got fed up and finally said, "This is not up for discussion." and that was that.

     I remember walking over to the school and I remember helping lay the white blanket on my brother's casket. I remember sitting holding my mom and Natalie's hands. I remember giving the eulogy and I remember some faces. I remember listening to Vince Gill's song, "Go Rest High on that Mountain." I remember getting up and crouching down in front of my father so I could hold my parents and my sister-in-law. I remember walking out with Natalie and singing Amazing Grace. I remember seeing Michael, D.J.'s brother and hugging  him.

     I remember seeing the tent at the cemetery and falling apart. I remember seeing my grandfather waling next to the casket. I remember going up and saying good-bye to him and having to be pulled back while crying, 'Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan...'

     I remember going back home and sleeping for the next 18 hours then waking up and driving to Gettysburg to attend another funeral.