Forever Mom

That's what we are... forever moms. One does not know a moms heartache unless they are a mom with that heartache. This does not mean that others losses are any less than a mothers, but it does mean that unless you are a mother you will not understand why, as a mom, we feel that our loss is more. That is not really the word I search for because it sounds like I am seeing others loss as less and it is not that at all. Each loss, to each person is more than the loss they perceive in others. Does that make sense? The one loss I will not know, and am thankful for, is a fathers. I can only write to what I have and am going through.

Many have asked what they should say when someone asks them how many kids they have. You say what you feel comfortable with, not what is expected. Regardless, you are a forever mom. The moment you realized you were carrying your child, you became a 'forever,' whether you brought them forth or lost them before birth, you are a mom. Death does not change that. It changes many things, but you are still a mom, still their mom. No one knows the pain a mother lives with except another mother who lives with that pain also. It is sad, but true. We would rather not be understood because that means another mother does not feel what we feel. The loss of our child.

A mother carries her babe just below her heart. Our hearts beat to the same rhythm. Our breath is their breath. We protect and nurture long before they are born. We are the first to feel movement, shake with their hiccups... see their tiny hands and feet push out on our skin. We have already started talking to them, given them a name, imagined their life. They have become ingrained in our spirit our imagination, our hopes and dreams while they are still just a peanut waiting for time to bring them into this world. So is it any wonder that we feel our loss is the greatest loss of all?

As a mom, I do not make light of others pain. I know they hurt, I understand that. I watch my husband struggle with his grief and know that men deal differently, we all deal differently. I try to do for him what he has done for me. I give my shoulder to cry on, my ears to listen, my heart with compassion. It is all we can do for each other. Families have been torn apart when child loss occurs for many different reasons, one of them being the inability of others to allow us to grieve in our own way. I was told that I have no right to think that my grief is worse than anyone else. I strongly disagree. He is my son. He was brought home in a box that weighted less than his birth weight. All that is him is in that box. Yes, I strongly disagree.

We, as parents, learn some hard lessons, some bald truths. Yet, we are expected to carry on, day after day and we do, we do carry on. We hurt every moment, we know our loss every second and we carry on. When asked how many children I have, I will say two. I will include my son because he existed. I taught him to ride his bike, I taught him to have compassion, I taught him so many things that we take for granted until they are gone. I will be his mom long after I have died because I am a forever mom. I love my surviving child dearly and tell her every chance I get. I cannot tell him. Not face to face.

A mother knows her child months before anyone else meets them. They grow, they change, but she knows them on a level that is greater than its basics. A mother helps that child grow, instills values, love and kindness. A mother is a big part of their world for the rest of their lives. Ones does not walk away from being a mother. When the night comes and we can't breath, when tears fall in our quiet times, when life has lost its meaning, in the end, we are still mothers. We still hold our child in our heart. I have a son. He is no longer with me, but I have a son. He was kind and caring and forgiving. He was tender and loving. The hole stays in my heart that nothing can fill. I am a forever mom.