Friendships After a Child's Death

It seems to me before Joey died I had many friends! I was happy, lived in a good neighborhood, had had a good job, my kids were successful, on and on. Who wouldn't want to be a friend or at least an acquaintance?

My boy dying a traumatic sudden death was really beyond horrifying for me. I had four healthy functional children. My husband and I are good people, all was well, and Boom! Suddenly everything changed. It was too hard on some of my girlfriends to be around me as we raised our children together. If Joey could die their child could die; much easier on them to stay away.

Life has become something different, foreign, terrifying. No one is with me who understands. Even my own family wants me to just tuck it inside somewhere and hide it when they're around. I can't, I am sorry but I cannot; Joey, my mom, my dad, my friend Judy; everyone who died together within a couple years are here with me. 

They sometimes speak through me, or I say what they would have said. My heart breaks when I reach out to "friends" and they reject me. My mom would say they weren't worth a second thought. Judy would say just let that one go! Don't be hurt, Dad would say, it is not you, it is them.

What do I do? Learn to function through the physical part of life with a single friend, a husband and busy adult children? I have sisters but they all live far away. I have my dogs, they are so true blue and loving. I feel a bit guilty as I write this down, I may have more than some. I am lonely much of the time however; and I want my son. I mourn for him every day.

After seven years I still have much to learn about the emotional, physical and spiritual survival after losing a child. I know it is individual in some ways, shared feelings in other ways. The commonalities amaze me at times when I'm reading other mothers stories.

So, for now, I will keep writing, sharing and hoping my words touch the life of another suffering Mother.