The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Grief

We are all individuals, our circumstances are different and our relationships are different as is the resultant level and depth and length of grief we experience. Whilst there are undeniable similarities –  each experience as unique as our fingerprints. 

When a loved one is taken our love does not stop.  Our love continues to grow daily, but the object of your affection is gone from our presence.  We can talk to them, write to them and remember the good times, but we cannot see them, touch them, hug or kiss them.  We have no outlet for the love that still resides and continues to grow in our hearts. And that hurts!  We grieve and hurt this much because we love so much.  We feel the sting of tears as we contemplate our loss and the future we will never have again with them on earth… dreams now shattered.

That does not mean we stop trying our best to carry on with our lives.  Get out for a bit as impossible as it seems.  Nothing major at first: whatever we can manage for short spells, always allowing ourselves a quick retreat if we should feel overwhelmed.  At times when I have felt the least “able” to step outside the confines of home I have felt the most refreshed when I got out nonetheless. Take resolve to make them proud. 

There are days when we feel stronger and we can do these things and make them proud and be proud of our own progress, but the next day an unexpected wave of grief and sense of loss may hit and we feel utterly depleted – weak (the “BAD!”).  I believe at times like these we should listen to our souls.  Take the time out and be kind to ourselves.  Allow ourselves the “luxury” to grieve in whichever way suits us.  Be it crying and sobbing uncontrollably to purge the pain (the “UGLY”) or withdrawing for a while in quiet reflection and politely dismissing the expectations of those around us while we regain our emotional strength to face another day.  We should never, ever feel guilty for feeling and acknowledging our pain.  Certainly we have not failed our departed loved ones or ourselves.  We are human.  We grieve because we love. 

Smiles and victories will be there. Beautiful memories recalled with fondness, but lurking in the same heart that holds joy in memory, strength and resolve, there now resides pain, loss, loneliness and sometimes a seemingly limitless supply of fresh tears.  They co-exist and take turns in surfacing unheeded and often so out of our control.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is ride out the waves that come – whatever they are.  Experience them guilt-free.  Don’t view them as a test to be passed or failed.   We now have a new appreciation for the things that really matter in life. Relationships and people.  The resulting empathy and compassion we have acquired will make it possible to help others on the same path. 

Our own experiences and wisdom gained can help those new on the path. Right there is our new purpose in life.  That above all is what you should strive for.  To use your pain to uplift and share with others who are seeking the answers.  To help them realize they are not alone, that whatever they feel is ok.  We can light their path to make it easier to follow – and forgive themselves. And that is the “GOOD” part of grief.