Grief - It has become like breathing

It has become like breathing...

Sometimes I wonder why I am not thinking about Alicia more frequently or feeling the intense pain of grief more often…And then I realize, I am.

I am thinking about her and feeling the pain of grief all day, every day. I don’t always notice it on a conscious level--much like breathing. It has become so much a part of me, so much a part of my daily life. 

I breathe without paying much attention to it. Once in a while throughout the day I become really aware--like when I sigh or if I use a lot of energy and start to breathe harder. I can hold my breath. But not for long...

It is the same with my grieving. I carry the memories (good and bad) and I carry the pain all of the time. I can stop only for a few moments. But then it returns.

Sometimes it is sitting so deep in my subconscious that I don't realize I am thinking about it at all, but I am... My body reminds me. My heart starts beating faster, my breathing becomes short and shallow, my stomach squeezes, my chest aches, sometimes my eyes are wet. I feel a sense of anxiety, fear, agony. And then I look at the clock...It's usually around the same time every night.

This is my grief. It has become like breathing...