When you've had a traumatic relationship with the person who died. If you were in a relationship where you were physically and/or verbally abused, sexually molested, or forced to participate in illegal activities as a minor, your grief can be complicated. In such cases, when the abuser dies, one of many things can happen. If you've hidden this painful past, it could rear its ugly head and taunt you now. All the repressed anger, hostility and rage could bubble to the top and wreak havoc with your emotional well-being.
- Seek the help of a reliable therapist to clean up the "gunk" of your past.
- Then, find a spiritual counselor who can help you with the tools to complete what's left incomplete so you can close the circle once and for all.
- If you have anger issues directed at God or any Power you believe in, a chaplain at the hospice facility may be your best guide.
Where you were the primary caregiver. Being the primary caregiver, you've watched the gradual decline of your loved one over time, and this takes a toll. As a caregiver, you've started the grieving process well before your loved one actually passed away. Every aspect of decline - when they were unable to dress themselves, when they couldn't remember close relatives, when they get to the stage where they lay in bed all day, when they stop feeding themselves - is a loss and you've been on that journey with them, every step of the way.
- Give yourself permission and time to grieve, once the formalities are taken care of. Cry, mourn, reminisce.
- Do things that feel good to your soul.
- Seek private counseling or a grief group if you're struggling with your emotions. Realize you've been so caught up in caretaking that you've probably neglected your needs. It's now time to tend to your heart.
When the death was unnatural. If your loved one committed suicide or was killed in a homicide, the shock of your loved one's unexpected passing creates fear, sadness and rage. You may experience depression. Or the sheer numbness of shock. You may have a hysterical reaction to the death. The death was completely unexpected and you feel ill-prepared to deal with it. The grieving process may take much longer as you process the enormity of the tragedy.
- Seek professional therapy.
- Journal your innermost feelings.
- If you're a spiritual seeker, look for someone who can help you make sense of this tragic event. Working through the trauma and healing yourself should be top priority.
Unfortunately, we don't choose when death comes calling. What we can choose is how we take care of our emotional and physical selves when confronted with this life transition.
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