Grieving Well: How Grief Has changed me for the Better

There is a saying, "We are all one choice away from a completely different life." The implication is that we hold the power to shape our lives and follow our dreams, and if we do not like where we are in life, we can change it. In this view of life, personal growth happens on our terms, at our pace, and in keeping with our goals.

I have lost my wife in 2005, this is my personal story.

Unfortunately, grief does not fit very easily into this view of life. It replaces our sense of control with a sense of helplessness. And it throws us, often suddenly and always unwillingly, into a season of life that we would never have selected for ourselves. Mired in grief, many people become stuck in their sense of helplessness, unable to move past the paralyzing shock and sadness of grief.

Grief professionals and psychologists, however, often note something unique that can occur through the process of grieving: Personal growth. And many grieving individuals can testify that the darkest and most difficult times of their lives were actually the catalysts for positive change. Like a seed sprouting, at first tentatively and then confidently, out of the ground, so can people grow in the face of grief. Some people deal with it by doing something "crazy", such as making a cremation diamond, while others go to support groups and find new friends to share their grief with. I did both.

Grief always forces us to change. Whether we change for better or for worse is in large part up to us.

There is little question that grief changes us. It is failing to acknowledge this change that creates conflict in many mourners (and in their well-meaning friends and families). When the mourner and those around him or her expect healing to look like a return to the person they once were and the life they had before their loss, they might feel as if they can never move past their grief. And, they may feel guilt and distress when their lives look different after their loss.

The truth, however, is that no one can ever get back to normal after a profound loss. That loss means that they are now missing a large part of their former lives, a piece of themselves that they can never get back. Grief shatters us in deep places, and in putting ourselves back together, we inevitably change.

How we change, however, is, in large part, up to us. Some people never overcome their grief. Anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, and ill health become a permanent part of their new emotional and mental landscape. For some, their grief becomes complicated grief: A disorder that makes it impossible for them to move on from the debilitating and paralyzing effects of early grief.

Others, however, are able to create positive change in themselves that eventually leaves them stronger than they were before. Consider the story a father, David Roberts, shared about the loss of his daughter: Two years after his daughter's death from cancer, he developed and taught a course at a university about parental bereavement. That one choice, to reach out to others in his grief, led to a profound and positive change in his life.

There is no set guideline for what this personal growth after grief should look like. Instead, it can be as individual as the person grieving.

While the ability to experience personal growth through grief is available to everyone who desires it, what that growth looks like is a deeply personal and individual thing. The stages of grief worked entirely different for me for example. While one person, for example, might find a deeper spirituality as a result of their grief, someone else might find themselves developing more strength and resiliency within themselves, or the ability to more deeply appreciate the present because they know how quickly things can change. Here are just a few examples of the kind of change that people have reported experiencing as a result of profound loss:

• Increased strength and resiliency

• Increased or more complex spirituality

• Strengthened relationships with others

• Greater appreciation of the present

• Discovery, development, and use of gifts

How these changes are carried out practically in someone's life is also very individual. For example, a bereaved spouse might experience personal growth in the form of being able to manage their own finances and support their household after the death of their bread winning other half.For someone else, however, it might look like the ability to build a new close friendship after the loss of their best friend. One thing i did years later, that was bizarre to my friends and family, but has helped me a lot: i sent a tiny bit of my wife's cremated ashes to Heart In Diamond, so they made a cremation diamond from my wife. The diamond i still carry with me today.

Likewise, a deeper spirituality might look like pursuing a new life as an ordained clergy person, taking over a ministry at church, taking a pilgrimage, spending more time in prayer, or beginning to attend church after a period of absence. A greater appreciation of the present might mean pursuing a long-deferred dream to enjoy a certain hobby, or deciding to fulfill that lifelong dream of traveling overseas.  Or, it could mean simply cutting back work hours to spend more time with children or other loved ones.

The one overarching characteristic that binds all of these individual experiences together is that they are changes that allow the person in the midst of them to move forward with their lives in a meaningful way after a deep and painful loss.

Achieving meaningful personal growth after a loss requires us to face the loss head on, experience the grief, and actively work through the pain.

Change does require effort. And, in the midst of grief, it requires us to face head on the pain of our loss. For example, one of the goals of treatment for complicated grief is to get the sufferer to acknowledge their loss, rather than pushing it away. Similarly, psychologists and grief experts are united in their claim that healthy grieving includes accepting the loss and allowing oneself to feel the wide range of emotions created by it.

Many mourners find it helpful to receive support from professionals or support groups i've attended. These sources of comfort tend to offer a more welcoming atmosphere for dealing with grief than do friends and family who may unrealistically expect the grieving individual to "get over" their grief within a certain amount of time. Plus, they offer useful tools for getting through the grief.

Often, working through grief toward personal growth also involves creating a memorial to the deceased. This memorial can keep the memory of the deceased alive even as the living move forward. These memorials vary greatly. They can include headstones, jewelry, diamonds made from the loved one's ashes, tattoos, portraits, diaries, video tributes, and many other things. The key is that they empower you to move on without feeling as if your deceased loved one is forgotten.

Finally, reflection upon the changes you have experienced can help you continue working through your loss. Knowing that you are becoming stronger over time can encourage you to keep building upon your strength, becoming a transformed individual whose loss is meaningful if only because it is integrated into the beautiful tapestry of your life.