Happy 30th Birthday Somewhere.......

Can't believe it. 30. 10 whole birthdays without you physically at them. 9 1/2 since you left . Of course,I think to myself-I still have a party for you...you ARE 21,22,23 etc....somewhere and I NEVER want you to think we forget. Everyone comes those first few years when memories are so very fresh. As incredibly stressful as I find it to plan and achieve these events,I so enjoy seeing all of your friends and our family together remembering you and then letting go white balloons in your memory. 

However,what has happened is as time has gone on,people grow up,get adult lives,more responsibility ...maybe feel sad for me and say they will come but don't show up. Or even family can't make it. I,personally don't understand family not making it..but that's a whole different topic. Life goes on and now after 10 birthdays...the list is long with alot of "can't make its". The people that do come,i am so incredibly grateful to,i don't think they realize how much it means to us. It is so exciting to see a piece of Keith's past alive and vibrant and maybe,sharing an old story we haven't yet heard. 

Who would my Keith be at 30? Would he be married,with a boy of his own? Would he still live at home. Would his Mom still be taking care of him? Would he still be struggling? I don't know what Keith would be,but I know for sure what he would not be. He would not be hungry or cold or without love. He would not want for a hug or an I Love You. 

He left us 6 months after his 20th Birthday and I didn't take enough pictures. The past 9 Birthday celebrations since ,I have taken so many pictures I have lost count. I don't see him in them,but I sure do SEE him in them. He speaks thru his friends actions. They delight me. At his 30th Birthday Celebration,I believe I'll tell them.

I also think this will be the last one I hold . It is a "milestone" 30. My boy is 30. I can't do anything else. I can't tolerate the stress. Going forward,i think i just may have those beautiful lanterns on the beach....if I don't get guilt ridden. 

I don't know what else to do or say. I can't believe I have spent almost 10 years without seeing my son. How is that even possible?How did it go by so quickly?How did I survive? Mind torture.I am thankful for the 20 Birthdays we did have ....but the now 10 (August 27th) we have had without Keith are an awful reminder of what was taken far,far too soon ,no matter how lovely I try to make them.