Hidden Sorrow

The day may come when you start to hide your deep sadness, your greatest sorrow. Not because you're ashamed of your grief, far from it. You start to hide it because you have become ashamed of others and are unwilling to dishonor your lost love one by sharing your loss with them. You hide your grief, bury your sorrow from the prying, critical eyes of the world. You have come out of the numbness of your grief far enough to know that you are being judged. You are not deaf, you hear the whispers. A few will even have the ego to come to you and state their opinion, their inexperienced opinion. The road we are on, rocky and pot-holed has now become a mountain, it's peaks hidden in the impenetrable clouds of grief. Not only do we have to find our way without those we love, we now have to negotiate through the mind field of the naive.

When someone you love dies, your heart, your soul, your very existence is laid bare and unprotected before all who know you. In that time, they see the tormented, lost you, one that they had never seen before. Many believe it is just the grieving period and the old you will come back. That is expected, accepted among many who have never set foot on the path you are now on. Being naive can be an excuse for this folly except for the fact that there is a world of information waiting to be tapped at ones fingertips. Ones does not have to be experienced in grief to get a small understanding of it. We have felt, and still feel, that if they would only listen they would understand. It is more than listening with the ears, it is hearing with the heart. We withdraw to keep from receiving added hurt, we start to hide our sorrow. We start to hide ourselves.

It is almost like being a new born baby again. In a way, we are an empty slate waiting for the impressions to be made, the connections to happen. In that place, the loves, expectations, life that we knew are not on that slate, they almost have to be reforged all over again. As we travel through this some ties will become stronger, deeper and some will be irrevocably broken. How people treat us will probably decide the place they hold in our lives. From the ones who allow you to be you, to the ones who give you that shoulder and the ones who treat you unkindly, new relationships and bonds are formed, old ones made stronger or lost forever. You are building a new life, one where some do not fit. This is not your fault nor should you feel guilt. Death has changed how you react to others, it has also changed how they react to you.

It is when hurtful words and cruel actions happen that we, deep in our own hurt, feel another piece fall from our heart. It shatters as surely as death shatters. It is as though our very grief is used against us. It makes a solid impact on where we go from that moment. We bring our sorrow closer in, hide it so it is safe so we are safe from another blow to our soul. Because we take our hurt away from view, many think that we have moved on, gotten past it, let it go. That is probably why the world has such a misconception of what grief really is. It is why so many think that grief is temporary and when they see it continue on, then you must be one mentally sick puppy in need of therapy. Maybe they fear it because it shows that if it ever happens to them, this could be their life. This overwhelmingly sad, unshakable hurt could one day be theirs.

I know that some do not understand why I have done some of the things I have or will even admit to their own role in those events. I have found that trying to explain myself to others is a waste of breath. First off, they don't really want to know. I have seen more complexities in human nature after Tim's death then I have seen in a lifetime. Some of it so shocking that I could not believe I was blind to it before. If nothing else, the loss of my son has opened my eyes to many things. I would have rather stayed blind if it mean't he was still here with me.

It becomes easier to hide this sorrow. People make it easier by their actions and attitudes. I do not want to go around everyday with this hurt showing on my face so I pull the mask back on. Not because I do not grieve but because I have become picky in my grief. Grief is honorable, not something to be ashamed of and not something some people deserve to share with me. Strange thing to say isn't it? It does not belong in the attic with the spiders, hidden in the darkness. It also does not deserve to be dishonored by others. Tim's life was more than the petty silliness that abounded when he died, that still abounds now. He had pride, he had honor, he loved and felt deep compassion. He was also human with human failings. Maybe I compare some to him and find them lacking. But then, I am only human too and am allowed to glorify the son I so loved, still love, will forever love.