Is It Jealousy?

Is it jealousy that leads my stomach to turn every time I hear someone I know has become pregnant on their very first try?

Is it envy that leads my eyes to stare at children who are the age he would've been his age and wish I were the parents?

Is it conniving to watch other parents yell at their kids or mistreat them and wish I could take them home to be my own?

Is it bitter to feel disdain towards those who are so fertile that they keep having children even though they cannot provide for the ones they already have?

Is it acidic to wish it were me who was pregnant instead of another woman I know?

Is it wanton that when babies are born I wish they were mine?

Is it begrudging to want the fertility of others?

Is it resentful to wish it was not MY son that dies?

Is it grasping to wish other's fertility and healthy pregnancy on myself when they are done having children?

Is it dissatisfaction that drives these feelings of which I have no desire to feel?

Is it annoyance to watch the parents of the children I teach not take an interest in their children's health, education or overall wellbeing?

Is it malcontent that leads me to be this doubtful, faithless person in the wake of my loss?

Is it sullen to wallow in these feelings

Or is it the remnants of heartache of my ordeal, my infertility, losing my first born, living to tolerate but my heart still feels the pain.  

I would rather feel gratified, satisfied, appreciative, contented, and confident.

I don't suffer from grief, I live a lifetime with it.

I have but one heart, a heart learning to love, trust, and live again.

I am learning the difference between what I deserve and what my live purpose will be.

I am learning about my life's time line I have nothing to do with planning.

I am learning to live in the moment and appreciate what I have which often takes some time to learn.

I am thankful for this learning experience, tolerant with my learning process, and inspired to learn further and live better.

Until then you will have to forgive the learning gap between my brain and my heart.

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About the Author
I am Mommy to my Angel son Trey and my Earthly Daughter Lorelei! After losing our son to CHARGE Syndrome in 2009, I decided to journal my grief and life in hopes that my journey will help someone struggling much the same way I am and to bring awareness to fertility and infant loss. I write honestly and emotionally and provide resources for Angel Parents like myself
What is Grief?