A letter to the Newcomer

It has now been two years that my only child my beautiful twenty two year old Son Tanner's Soul and Spirit Flew.

I look back to the days of firsts.  First time  entered these rooms, groups I did not want to be a member of , and I read the emotions from those just entering as well as the words from the accepted lifetime membership status. What I've learned is I'm not where I once was and the reality that I never thought I would survive those firsts.

The members with more time would say "I promise it won't always feel this way just hold on". I couldn't imagine that that feeling those physical melting and burning painfull all over your body feelings would subside and the rage of the fire would not be so intense. I held on to your words and promises because that's all I had and I WANTED SO MUCH TO FEEL WHAT YOU WHERE.

It's as if time has gone by without my knowledge and then I stop and take a feel as to where I am. And your promise was kept. Yes I am still in pain, we are all and always will be burning embers forever glowing the loss of our children but what I have now, well is HOPE and FAITH.

I've been blessed with just to many encounters with Tanner that some possibly have not had. I thought I would never experience such encounters.  Just know this to the newcomer. I know your desperate to end the pain, even if you can't  imagine or believe it now, HOLD ON to these words just hold on "It will subside unto another degree of pain a bit more tolerable".

You will believe it, you will smile from your eyes and heart again where there is only sadness and despair and your visions and thoughts of your child that smile I'm talking about will come.

Joyful moments or moment will be had even though this very moment your thinking "no, never, not me, they don't obviously know the extent of my pain I'm different." You will feel and see that yes we are all carriers of the same thoughts and feeling you're experiencing.

Do you want to know how I know this?? It's because I'm here telling you this that you must see the miricle snd truth in what I'm saying. Two years ago on the 27th of January I believed I would take my life to stop the pain. I cried out with sounds I never knew my body could make and I begged God to take me. I learned we all have that and no we are not crazy.

I've learned that our body and mind through so much tragedy start what is called suicidal ideation. It's only natural to think that way because nothing on earth at that moment could relieve you of such affliction, nuisance and anguish. It's true as the minutes and days go by you get a little more time between the moments you hit the floor clutching your heart and stomach you get a little more time to find a smile.

I've learned and I say this because I knew what they where saying and trying to explain but more so I've experienced now the real smile not the forced one. So to you the Mom who is entering this group. Keep coming back. Be selfish take what you need. You don't even have to let anyone know your here. Just keep coming because the thing is. We here understand you and we won't walk away because we don't expect you to be anything other than what you are at every moment in your journey. Sorry so long but was moved to write to the newcomer as I was reflecting on my journey twenty three months and twenty three days ago.

Love Tanners Mom