Living a Loved One’s Values

On the first anniversary of my daughter’s death my husband and I held a graveside ceremony. It was a small gathering—a few family members, our daughter’s two children (they’re fraternal twins), the man our daughter planned to marry, and two close friends. To give the ceremony meaning, I typed a list of my daughter’s values, and printed our copy for each person.

It was brutally cold in Minnesota, well below zero, so the ceremony was short. Afterwards, the group adjourned for lunch at a local restaurant.

A decade has passed since my daughter’s passing, a fact that’s hard to believe. I can’t believe I’m 10 years older, and living a new life. My twin grandkids are adults now, college graduates pursuing their own careers. The twins may not have their lists of values anymore, but I have mine. As the years passed, the list became more meaningful.

Believe in a Higher Power.

Live your beliefs.

Stay on the AA path.

Family comes first.

Love and enjoy your children.

Get an education and keep learning.

Find an occupation that doesn’t seem like work.

Share with others even if you have little to give.

Know what’s important and what isn’t.

Help others.

Laugh every day

Two values stand out from the others. I’ve been a freelance writer for 38 years. While I’m writing I think of the value, “Find an occupation that doesn’t seem like work.” My daughter was a composite engineer, had an MBA, and six special certifications. At the time of her death she was a supervisor in an engine manufacturing plant, in charge of three production lines. She received excellent performance reviews and was assured of advancement in the company.

Then she died.

Friends remember my daughter’s humor and quick wit. “She could be a stand-up comic!” one friend exclaimed. After my daughter died I didn’t laugh for more than a year. Laughter was foreign to me, and I wondered if I would ever laugh again. When I laughed for the first time, I let out a belly laugh, and mentally dedicated it to my daughter. Now I dedicate every hearty laugh to her memory, and laugh every day.

There are advantages to incorporating your loved one’s values you’re your life. First, it is a continuous link to your loved one. Second, your loved one’s values may spark happy memories. Third, the practice keeps your loved one present in your mind. Fourth, these values can spark action, such as donating money to a health organization or volunteering in the community.  

This may be a good time to make a list of your loved one’s values. If you’re too stressed right now, write one value on paper, and place it where you can see it often. Living your loved one’s values is a way to keep her or him close. Helen Keller expressed this thought better than I can. “All that we love deeply becomes a part of us,” she once said. You can keep love alive by weaving your loved one’s values into your life.