Navigating the Holiday with your Living Children

Well the holidays are here…  Be it Christmas, Hanukah, New Year’s, Kwanza or any holiday that you may celebrate.  With the holidays comes perhaps some anticipation that it is going to be hard and indeed, sometimes the holidays may be hard.  Holidays are usually a time with family and often times; we are reminded that one of our loved one’s is not with us.  However, what I would like to tell you is that it does not have to be hard and I think this is an important thing to remember.  For me, seeing my parents make themselves sad simply because of a given day, Christmas, wasn’t necessary.  Often times, there is a sense of guilt felt when you are celebrating, be it a special holiday or another occasion after the loss of a loved one but it is okay to enjoy the holiday or that special occasion.  I encourage my parents to take the time to celebrate and honor my sister instead of feeling so sad.  My sister was killed December 9 and our first holiday, Christmas, was horrible.  By the next holiday season, we had had about a year to cope with her loss.  I told my parents, “For us, Christmas Day that it does not have to be any harder than any other day”. 

 Although it is normal to feel the loss more around holidays or that special occasion, it does not have to be any harder than any other day.  I think that this is an important message for you to share with your children and to remind yourself that it does not have to be harder because it is a given day.  Remember to talk about your son or daughter who has died and your memories you shared with them on this special holiday.  This is important.  They are still part of the family and you should talk about them, remember them.  Spend some time telling stories and don’t forget to include the funny stories.  Especially, if there is a great holiday story, the one that everyone used to chuckle about every year.  Retell the story about your child’s first or second holiday that the other children may not know or were not old enough to remember.  Your “special holiday” is a great time to share these stories and memories.

  In addition, I would like you to understand that your living children may not want to celebrate exactly the way you always did.  They may make a choice to celebrate differently and this is okay.  We each need to find our own path for grieving and for celebrating and honoring our child or siblings.  It is great, when we can all do it together but I know personally that there are things that I came up with that I still do that are just for me.  I do things to celebrate my sister’s life around Christmastime and I do not involve my parents; I do it alone.  I like to honor her by lighting a candle and saying a prayer.  I also spend time talking to her.  I tell her about my year and I tell her the things that I am thankful for.  Sometimes, I find myself wondering where she would be right now and what she would be doing.

  I want you to understand that your children may choose to honor their sibling on their own, which is okay.  They are still celebrating their brother or sister’s life but they need to do it more privately.  You may want to ask them what they do in honor of their brother or sister, which they may want to share.  For me, I find that sharing my rituals and my traditions are important for everyone’s healing. 

 I hope that you have a very happy and safe holiday season.