Not as we planned

It's not just her presence I miss

it's her voice
it's the tilt of her head
and the shape of her neck
the way her feet fit perfectly
both in the palm of my hand

it's those deep brown eyes
with just a touch of the holy
the almost ever present smile
no matter what we were facing...

of course I miss her
but I also miss me
the life that we had died with her
as did my joy
and my love of this life

it's the moon and the stars
almost meaningless now
trading their magic for mere facts and figures
their sparkle for gravitational pull
and I know they're missing her too

I miss the soft coo
as she held a newborn in her arms
and watching her drown
in the sea of this new found love
feeling her peace flow
until it filled the space she was in

I think of the last phone call
the laughter and lightness of us
and not a clue to be had
after a life filled with each other
to know she left without me
and not as we planned