O Child

I'm a 52 YO mother of 4 and grandmother of 8. When I was only 13, relatives began dying off year by year...beloved cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts...all of them. In 2009 my father died unexpectedly. In 2010 our daughter Nicole died unexpectedly. We were watching tv and got a phone call around 10pm telling us our child was in the morgue. In 2012 my only sibling brother died unexpectedly. His wife found him dead at only 52 years old at the foot of the bed. My 72 YO mom and best friend was diagnosed with a deadly brain tumor during Thanksgiving 2013. I left my home of 30 years in CA and flew out to GA with just 2 suitcases and my little Asthma Service Dog Hobbie. Mamma died the day after Christmas, her brain so damaged by the surgeons that she could not even speak to me save a few short words. One month befor her death she was still running five miles a day on her treadmill. Her shoes were still sitting on it, worn down to the rubber soles. This was how she dealt with her own grief and loss...running away from it I suppose. With her death, I am now the last living person on both sides of the family. Everyone I ever loved growing up has perished into dust in a coffin or an urn. I am left with a gash so huge it will never close as long as I live. I had to live alone in a strange state all of 2014 taking care of my mother's estate and probate. Being separated from my husband and children and grandchildren at the darkest time in my life and having nobody to talk to or cling to or grieve with damaged me beyond my ability to ever recover, I think. In order to do my duties and prevent my own breakdown, I had to teach myself to push the pain down very deep. So deep I cannot grieve properly. I can barely recall their faces and voices now, but they come to me in my dreams every night. Sometimes one of them, sometime a few or many are there. They can't contact me while I'm awake because I've blocked them out, but during sleep I can't do that. My husband retired a year ago, I inherited my parents' beautiful estate in GA and here we sit....not knowing what to do with ourselves. So we stay in bed 20 out of 24 hours with our three tiny Chihuahuas. Maybe we have built our own tiny little nest where we feel safe. We are young, in our very early 50's, have no financial worries, a paid off home, lifetime income...the dream of so many who retire. Yet we are the saddest, most broken human beings imaginable. The only hobbieof mine that did not die with our daughter is my writing. Poetry is the only way I can express my feelings. I pray that all of you who find your way here somehow find the peace and comfort that eludes me and my husband. It feels like this lifetime is over for us. Maybe next time will be better. It is a dream I have..... But my husband and I are so broken we have no enjoyment from life anymore.