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Sometimes in life we are deeply touched by visions as well as thoughts of the past.  Unexpectedly we are brought to the pain of the past.  It is up to us how we react to it, it is up to us if we let that pain forever control us, keeping us trapped in that pain.  For me the one year mark was a true test to myself as well as my future ahead.


Laying in bed the night before May 9, 2012 a year since I forever said good-bye to my one true love of my life.  A year since our beautiful little girl lost her daddy, the one love that loved her bigger than life.  I could feel in my heart the pain was just the same as it was on that day one year before.


Shockingly I realized just how much pain layed within me as well as my heart.  It was then I realized it will be with all my power how I decide to make it through this day.  When presented with the unexpected pain, I truly see now how some feel as though there is really no way out, that staying in the pain is the only option.  When dealing with such over powering pain it is as though the darkness is pulled over your eyes, the darkness shuts down all of you.  I truly see how it can be easy to just let it be.  On this day the pain felt as though it did on the day May 9, 2011 one year later.  Nothing changed as I remembered it was the day I had to let go of my loved one passed.  That the pain was the exact same as it was then one year later.


Not one person can change the choice you make.  As an individual it is truly up to us as a person to reach in our hearts for the light, to pull back the hope, to forever fight back when presented with the pain.  So on this day, the day of the one year mark, I was pushed back two steps, it totally took all of me by surprise that it would feel the way it did, complete heart breaking pain.  When presented with such horrific pain we have to use all of what we have in us to pull our life back on to the path of light.  For me this was a true test to everything I have spoken of in all my posts.


So here I say to all of you, do not judge your hearts for the pain you feel.  Do not allow yourself to think it should be easier, that something is wrong with you for feeling the pain even after a year.  Allow your hearts to feel it all, take it all in, good with bad, just do not let that take over of your life, don't let it rob you of your future.  Understand that this surge of unexpected pain will from time to time always reappear to us, understanding it is not there to stay, only if you allow it not to.  Do not allow yourself to feel that you have failed in any way due to the fact you feel it should not feel so painful still.  Our hearts will forever feel it, our hearts will forever remember it.  Embrace the pain yet do not let it hold you hostage of your life.


To all I say CELEBRATE, your loved ones passed may no longer be seen but forever live on through us.  Celebrate them, celebrate your life you had with them.  It is through our love along with happiness they forever grow to never be forgotten.  On this day I took the pain, yet worked through it, not allowing it to ruin how it was I would celebrate my TRUE LOVE.  Understanding that my loved one passed love was so much more worth then giving in, after all it was through him I discovered there was nothing I could not do in this life I live.  Thinking to myself, the pain was never a part of our life together, so why allow it to be now?.  Still to this very day I feel the affect of the one year mark anniversary in my heart.  Rising above is truly how you shed the layers of pain, fighting back to enjoy our loved ones passed is how the pain becomes less and less.


Celebrating for me could be different for others.  On the day of the one year mark I visited his grave, sent him my love.  While standing before his stone I discovered a four leaf clover, my heart felt the touch of his love very deeply.  It was in that moment I realized our loved ones passed are forever watching out for us, that even though not seen they still walk with us.  Our loved ones passed will forever be blessing our lives, they forever want us to smile, to succeed, to live our life to the best.  My whole body just felt his love, I just knew he was there with me reminding me they will forever be our gift, they will forever bless our lives with the truest of love.  After that we did all of his favourite things, we let go of balloons of notes filled with our best memories, we gathered with the people that loved him the most, candles were lit and his life was of celebration not pain nor loss.


So when embarking on the one year mark I say to you, don't let yourself believe that it should not hurt like it does, do not judge your heart, don't compare your love with time.   We are forever going to be challenged with this pain, our hearts will never forget.  It is in how we deal with the pain is what matters, to allow yourself to live in the pain is what degrades our loved ones passed, being stuck in pain is like saying their love was pain, I know for all of you that is not true, so don't allow it to be.


Our loved ones passed love was brighter then any light in this world, it did not fill us with pain so why keep allowing yourself to shut down to the world.  Our loved ones passed love is there, it is their love that allows us to grow, to reach the stars, to conquer what ever it is we can dream of.


On this day there were so many blessings that took place to only prove to me that all of what I said is true.  They are the light in our life that will forever be instilling blessings all around us every day.  Their love is what forever paves our paths to a life full of dreams coming true.  Take the day to love yourself as well as your loved ones passed, go easy on your hearts, release your judging heart, walk with love, just love as well as celebrate.


Through out this day I recognised how I kept feeling so happy yet feeling very sad, I kept asking myself, " how can you feel so happy along with pain at the same time"?, I thank Deepak Chopra for answering this question on this day, he said "life can be bitter sweet".  Take the time to feel the pain, yet understand that the pain is not how are loved ones passed made us feel.  Celebrate their love, remember the one best memory that always brings that bright smile to your face.  Allow the bad memories to be remembered another day, the bad memories will never out do the good ones.


Do not expect that due to it being a whole year it should be easier, that will never be, we lost a life, we lost our life, that will forever be remembered.  Grieving will forever be in our hearts, that to us is our battle scar that we look at with pride, that is the scar that shows the world we all were gifted from God with TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 


All I want everyone to know is to not give up, to give up is to let go of our loved ones passed love, it's letting go of our truest of happy life we shared with them.  Celebrate them, show them their love will forever be remembered, show them our hearts are so very thankful to them. Also I say time is time, time has no limits on grief, we all go through our lives living our life, life is not a race, life is just simply to be lived, we get to where we need be when ever that may be.  Our time is our time, not for others to say how it should be.


NOTE TO ALL:  Do not ever compare yourself to others, we are all uniquely designed to live our life with a purpose of being here in this world.  On the day of your one year mark, celebrate your love, take that love to keep going through each day celebrating that love, celebrating our loved ones passed gift to us, TRUE LOVE.  Take that gift out to the world, it's a gift given to us to share with the world.  Take the time to see the reminders around you that our loved ones passed are showing to our hearts.


Tonya O


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About the Author

BLOGGER FOR ALL GRIEVING ON THE JOURNEY TO WRITING A BOOK "Spouse to Angels in the City" Widow for 11 months also mother of a beautiful little girl

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