Out of the Darkness

Even though the physical world around us has not changed, we have entered into a time of darkness. The empty space of love leaves little room for anything else. The days are darker, the nights bleak. Colors have faded to little of what our eyes use to see. Darkness without end. It doesn't have to stay that way although to make the effort to change this is beyond our capacities or abilities. We have changed so much, so suddenly, so completely and we don't know why those around us cannot see that or understand it. We feel alone, left adrift in a sea of change.

It is close to five months. I say to myself  'only five?' It feels so much longer, yet the pain says it was yesterday. To have life warped like this is its own pain. I miss most that there will be no more new memories. The sudden stop a shock all on its own. I thought once that it would be better to have no memories at all. Without them, there would be no pain. But without out them, I would have been emptier. Memories push the darkness back a little.

I know that for many, getting back into the outside world is a horror all on its own. We don't know what all the triggers will be. We start to fear that we will lose it while in the public eye. There are tons of people that don't understand why we haven't gotten past this. I have quit worrying about this. If I lose it, I lose it and really those who don't get it, don't matter anyway. If they can't just accept it as a part of me, they need to go away. I have become harder in some ways because of this. But regardless of what others may think, that hardness may be what is best for me. I've also become more understanding and considerate. Strange that those dual roles are a part of my personality and co-exist together. We have changed and there is nothing we can do about that so why not accept it. We can worry it to pieces and it will get us nowhere but more worrying.

Beauty is seeping into the world I now live in. There are moments of joy mixed with the sorrow. I have decided that though my world is different, it is still a world. Not one I would have chosen but then, who would? There are many of us who live in this world. We are not alone in this. We are not so different because we have each other. Though it is sad that there are others, it is also a blessing in a weird way. Though my grief is different from yours, you still know my pain. So for the many who don't understand our darkness, there are just as many who do.

The saddest thing is when those close to you, outer circle family members and friends, turn their backs on you. That is when you feel the most helpless and lost, abandoned. I had this happen to me recently and discovered something new about myself and them. Death makes the mask of others slip. It shows you more than you wanted to know about those around you. At first, I was shocked and hurt, at first. Here I was, still feeling the loss of my son, and a couple of people felt it was time to criticize me, ostracize me and treat me with complete disregard. It took me almost a week to come to terms with their ill treatment. That is when I realized something I think is very important. We fight every moment of every day to bring ourselves out the darkness that has captured us in its snare. almost every breath we take is to keep our broken heart beating even when we don't want it to. We struggle so hard and try not to burden others with our constant sorrows. Yet they treat us like we are poison. I have my own thoughts on the whys of it but they don't matter. What does matter is that as long as I have negative, critical people around me, I will not come out of the darkness. Their very words help keep me there. Hard as it is to do, and nothing is harder than losing a loved one, I have to push them out of my life. If I want to at least step sideways from this sentence of pain, I need to believe in myself.

Yes, I know that the pain and loss are mine. Will be mine until my last breath, but the least I can do for myself and my son, is to try. Try to be more than this burden that sits on my heart. I want to walk in the sun again and see it shine brightly. There will always be dark moments and dark days, but I will breath deep and wait for them to pass. I will cry when I need to cry and smile again with meaning. And I will not worry about what others think of me for it is what I think of myself that counts now. It may sound selfish to some, but when have we better reason than now to be selfish? I want to step out of the darkness one day.