Outcasts in Our Grief

We are not too far along this path when we start to realize our definition of the world is different from others. Words and actions have changed their meaning. There should be a dictionary for the grief stricken that is separate from the one made for the non-grieving. We have changed so much that the dictionary definition of our world no longer applies. It not only causes us great confusion that we don't see things like others, but a deep conflict within. We know we should feel guilty, or so we are told, for being so selfish. We should be helping everyone around us, not sinking deeper into the grief of our loss. Others should come first before our pain. How could we be so cold-hearted and uncaring? No matter how hard we try to appease those around us, it will not be enough for some of them. Some will still find fault in us.

As we struggle to come to terms with the pain of loss, we must also deal with those who think we should be something other than what we have become, grief-stricken. We try to explain that we have changed, that we need time, a lot of time, to get use to the first stages of loss. Our words fall on deaf ears. Not many understand why we haven't moved beyond this yet. They do not understand that we are trying to protect our already shattered hearts from more hurt. There is so much internal turmoil going on inside that when outside influences start to batter at our souls, we withdraw. Our bruised minds cannot take anymore.

We are in a constant state of hurt, confusion, loss. Nothing is as it was, something else to adjust to. What we don't need, yet we get, is someone who for reasons of their own, want to make our life worse. We have already suffered the worst, but they do not see that. We do not have the ability to deal with them. Their mean words or actions just cause us to withdraw further from them until a time comes where they have no place in our lives. We feel sad about it, yet relieved too. Relieved that we are getting distance from the pain they bring. It is so terribly sad that death causes so many changes, but we are helpless to do much of anything but to follow along. Learning life again is as exhausting as grief itself. Some of these people may one day be back in our lives again while others have burned the bridge so completely, there is no road back.

We already feel guilt at the loss of our loved one, we should not feel guilt for others actions. They make their own decisions for which we are not responsible. It is a hard, painful path that we have to walk and probably a long one as well. We will slowly live in the world again but not until we are ready to so. There is nothing we can do about the changes that death brings, we can only learn to adjust to them, incorporate them into our new world, learn to live with them. Those who want to be with us, stand by us, will learn to adjust too. Yes, we can pretend to be who we once were to satisfy the masses, but that is exhausting too. It is not selfish to take care of you. You have lost that which is most precious. In time, you may give of yourself to others again but they should not expect you to until you are ready.

Our society is an impatience society. We expect instant results or gratification immediately and when we don't get it, we look for someone to blame. We don't look within our selves. Grief does not care, it will take it's time. We who grieve have become outcasts because of our differences. One remembers in school how they were treated for being different. You're not as outcast as you think. There are many, oh so very many, who walk this path with you. Strangers in a strange land willing to reach a hand out to you when you fall. When others abandon you, you do not have to travel alone.

It is hard to understand the whys of others actions and attitudes. For one thing, it is hard to rationalize through the fog of grief and pain. It is hard to bring thoughts from the one lost to the everyday life. I resented even having to do that. Pain overwhelms every thing you do every thought you have. Sooner or later, you have to deal with the world. I preferred later but that did not happen. The other troubles started a few months after Tim's death. In my sorrow, I could not wrap my mind around the fact that others could and did hurt me at a time like that, when my sorrow was so deep there was no way out. I could not understand what I did to them. I didn't do anything, I grieved for my son. People become like this for many reasons, their own guilt, their own grief, their refusal to look inside of them selves. It turns out that the whys don't matter. What matters is that we should not feel guilty for grieving for our lost loved one. Don't dwell too much on the ones who left, appreciate the ones who stayed, they are worth loving.