Please No, Not Grief Again

Hello, my name is Tina Tellez. I'm 35 years old. I love writing poems and I've been writing poems off and on since I was in high school. I can pretty much write poems about everything, mainly about however I'm feeling at the time. I like writing about my emotions as I'm feeling them. That is how I'm able to write so easily most of the time. The words just flow right out of my mind and my body as I'm writing. Writing poems come naturally to me and everything I write is real, true, and from my heart. I can write about grief and loss, life, family, friends, love, happiness, excitement, guilt, sadness, anger, regret, and whatever emotion I'm going through at that time in my life. I've had my fair share of grief from losing several loved ones. I lost some family members that I really don't remember because I was too young at the time of their death and I lost a couple of close friends in the past. One was my very first puppy love boyfriend who I grew up with off and on during my childhood. For many of our younger years we were real close. Then we ended up losing contact during our teenage years, but then when we were 17, he showed up at my doorstep out of nowhere. He asked if my brother and I could go to the Fair with him, his brother, and his dad. So we went. We had a real good time there that night. It kind of felt like no time had passed and like we were never apart those many years. It felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend again, even just for that one night. Because about a month later, I found out that he had bone cancer and he was dying. I couldn't believe it, he seemed fine when we were at the Fair. I wanted to go see him at the hospital, but he didn't want me to see him dying like that so he told me not to go and we said our goodbyes over the phone. That was hard. I also had an ex-boyfriend back in 2002 who committed suicide by hanging himself. We had broke up like 6 months earlier. I remember he would sometimes talk about killing himself like his father did on Christmas Day when he was a kid. I didn't think he really meant it, but I was wrong. I found out he hung himself 6 months after we broke up. That too was hard. I felt a lot of guilt while grieving that death. In 2007, my husband and father of my daughter, passed away in his sleep next to me and our 1 year old daughter. He had heart problems and was still taking more pain pills than he should've been taking. With an unhealthy heart that he already had surgery on just 2 years earlier, couldn't handle the amount of pain pills he had been taking. So he passed away right next to the both of us while asleep. Our now 10 year old daughter is without her daddy and I lost my husband. That death was and still is extremely hard. And just recently, only a week ago, I was told a real good friend of mine passed away in her sleep on March 2. We don't know what caused her death yet. But I had just reconnected with her through Facebook only 6 months ago after losing touch with her for 15 years. From ages 15-18 we were real close. And then I had to move to another so the distance got between us and eventually we just had no more contact anymore. I always thought about her and wondered where and how she was. So I started looking for her 2 or 3 years ago without any luck, until 6 months ago. A cousin of hers on Facebook helped me reconnect with her. I found out she moved back to South Dakota and also had a daughter now that was 8. Being that I live in California, we knew that seeing eachother in person was not going to happen right now because neither of us could afford it. So we messaged several times and spoke on the phone a few times. The last time we spoke on the phone we told eachother how special our friendship still was and that we wish we could see eachother again. We said it felt like we had never been apart or lost contact for 15 years. We also told eachother how much we cared about and love eachother. Our last words were, I Love You Girl, Goodbye! And that was it. I thank God that I had found her and got that chance to say what I needed to say. And I also knew how she felt about me and our friendship. So I'm grateful about that but still heartbroken. I couldn't even afford to go to South Dakota for her memorial service on Monday. She has already sent me some signs, letting me know she is still with me and ok. So as you can see, I have been through a lot of grief. I found that writing and reading poems do help me a little while I'm grieving and I want my poems to help others too! Thanks!