Precious Gems

We never wanted you to bleed for us. We needed you to cry with us. We needed you to remember, for a little while, a life so precious. We needed you to say 'I don't know your pain but here is my shoulder.' We needed you to acknowledge a mother who lost her son, a parent who lost their child, a sibling who lost their brother/sister. To take a little time out of your busy life, just a moment, a tear drop of time to see the change, the loss, the heartache that we will live with for the rest of our lives while you carry on with your normal one. We need for you to see us, accept us. We really ask for less than you realize. We ask for validation. We have no problem with you moving on with your life and ask that, maybe, once in a while, you send a kind word our way.

Validation of the life of a loved one becomes a deep need in our lives. For so many to go silent because they are gone causes great pain within our hearts. The silence tells us that our loved ones life had little meaning to others even if that is not true. Well meaning though it may be, it does not set well in the world we now live in. Their name is more important than our own. Memories become precious gems for that is all we have left, memories. We gather those gems daily and hold them up to the light. We see the twists and turns our loved ones paths made through a world that has faded away. We won't allow them to fade away too. Our 'obsession' with our loss my seem excessive to someone looking in but it is not. One cannot learn to live a new life after loss in a day. One does not forget their loss, it is part of our DNA now. We learn not to carry the pain on our sleeve, but that also takes time. We learn to hide our sorrow so others can move on and not worry about us. It is called 'Catch 22' for we want others to remember, yet we want them to move on. Contradictions of our emotions become the normal.

His name is Tim, he is my son. He will always be Tim and forever my son. When someone asks if I have kids I say yes, I have two. He may be gone but he is still my son, my precious gem, my memory. I hold my daughter and three grandsons close in my heart and am grateful they have not become the precious gems of memory. They are my promise of many tomorrows and new dreams. I try to lock away the fear of losing them too for fear changes nothing. If nothing else, death teaches you to live in the moment. I worried over them all for so long and still I lost one. His name is Tim, he is my son. When he died, I lost hope, dreams, joy. Those who are in our life now and in the future, help bring hope back, teach us to dream new dreams, experience a different kind of joy. We can walk with this though the pain most times seems too much to carry.

I know there are many who say they can't do this. You are already doing it. Yes, the pain will be forever for most. That is just how it is, we have no control over that. How great that pain is, or will stay, only you can know. Grief is so personal it might as well have your name on it. When my dad died, it was the greatest pain I ever had, at that time. When my son died, it gave lie to the idea that all pain of loss is the same. It is not. My son is my greater loss. So many degrees and levels of pain in this world. There are no comparisons from one person to another for one cannot compare pain. I have no idea about your pain level or you about mine but we will each see our sorrow as the greater of all. Of course we will, it's our sorrow.

When someone new starts along this path, my heart aches. I see the path that I have traveled and hope that they are spared some of what I had to deal with, what I am dealing with now. I know, deep in my heart, that they will be spared very little. All we can do for each other is reach out a hand to help others back up when they fall. Sometimes, that hand makes all the difference in someones life. We pass our precious gems on to others so they will know they are not alone. Alone is so sad when there is only ourselves to talk to in our heads. We don't want others to bleed for us, we want them to remember once in a while, just remember. 'Forever Mom.'