Rat in a Maze

Motivation is one of those biggies that we lose. There is no desire to do anything, that especially includes taking care of ourselves. There is no appetite, how could there be? So why cook? Why clean? Why do anything? Our hearts and minds are so caught up in this greatest tragedy of our lives that there is no room in our brains for anything else. We can't think straight and what we do think about is our lost one, constantly. We don't want to think of them, the pain is so vast, but it is there at the front of our minds. It is there, between us and the world, us and what was normal but is gone.

As the days go by, we replay every single memory we possibly can. Every loving hug, I love you's, moments of joy that now bring us sorrow. How can those good memories be so bad right now? Simple, because they are no longer here to make new memories. This is what is left to us, memories. In time, they will be good memories again, but for now, they bring sadness. This polarizes us. Each memory that pops up takes our reason away and we are lost in the moment of memory. Whatever task we may have set for ourselves is forgotten. We have no interest in anything. It is so hard to bring our minds around to mundane, everyday things when ours lives are no longer involved in that world. If people push us to join the world, they only succeed in pushing us further away from them. Grief cannot be pushed.

It is right for us that we take time to come into the world. We are not coming back to the world we knew for it no longer exists, we are building a new world. We have to reinvent ourselves because we lost who we were. Now we have to find out who we are or who we are becoming. To begin with, we do not want to be anything. We do not want to go anywhere, see most people, do what we did before. We do not want to travel the same path we were on because the path changed without notice. Our motivation is gone, yeah. But our minds do not rest.

For so long, I felt like a rat caught in a maze. There were traps everywhere that grabbed me unexpectedly, dead ends, false starts and no way out, no reward at the end. On the surface, physically and superficially mentally, I had no desire to move forward. No desire to live, to be, nothing. Yet, deep in side, I was frantic. Below the trying to cope, my complete being was being tossed around in a tornado. I think our very essence goes into over drive when someone we love dies. It goes into a frenzy of searching. We are looking for that connection in death that we had in life. That touch, that feel, that knowing they were there. We can't find it and we break some more. We don't see that as we have changed, so has that connection and it hurts so deeply.

All of the time we are dealing with our loss we are also trying to deal with everything outside of ourselves. It is overwhelming, confusing, sad. At times, we shut down completely just to find a moments peace. Have you ever walked into a room where so much was happening you did not know where to look first. Everyone talking at once so you could not respond to any one person. The faces blur, the voices run together, the volume of noise raises to such a high level you want to scream. Nothing makes sense. Yeah, for me, that is how loss started out. I finally had to leave that room. You wonder if what is happening to you is normal? It is. It is normal for us.

The time will come when you will either have to leave that room or be stuck there forever. Sure, we will step back into it from time to time, but we should not live there. Maybe it is a point of transition? Taking us from one world to another? I don't know, I just know it is only a temporary stopping place. Slowly, our emotions calm some. I still feel the frantic search but try to remind myself that the connection is still there. I must learn to feel it differently and I am not sure yet how to do that. Why is all of this about learning? Again, I do not know. I suppose we are the toughest part of our lives. Where we go from here? Choose a direction, you can always change it if that is not where you want to be.

I don't mean to sound flippant if it comes out that way. I know you are going through something that your mind cannot grasp, your heart cannot accept. Each step you take goes into a wilderness you have never seen before. Know that there are hearts that break with you, tears cried for you. Learn to take care of yourself again. Comb your hair, put on that makeup, dress nice. Not for others, but for you. Even when you don't want to, take care of you. It helps to ease the heart a little when you do. Each time you find motivation, you help yourself, even if that motivation is fleeting. Keep at it. We can do this. 'Forever Mom.'