Reflections On Widowhood at Six Months

As the sixth month of being a widow passes by I have been trying to reflect on where I’ve been and where I am going. I know where I’ve been these last six months. I’ve been in limbo. That place where you can’t quite finish anything you start. That place where you question everything you’ve believed in up to that point.

That awful, awful place,  where you accept the futility of wishing someone back, of wanting to change things or to go back in time. That place where your body seems to start reflecting the hurt in your heart and your soul and aches every day also.

Where am I going? I still have no clue. The things we did together and the future plans we made are financially out of my reach now. The future is still a blurry , misty place I can’t quite see.

I seem to be at the “I don’t know what to do with myself “ stage. I won’t volunteer because I can’t commit to be somewhere on a regular basis yet. I am not ready.

I won’t get a pet right now as I may be traveling and I just am not ready for the responsibility yet.

The old body has started to ache so much even the gym is difficult. And right now I really don’t care if I am in shape. I don’t know what I am getting in shape for anymore.

I don’t cook anymore. Lean cuisine is my newest friend. I miss nice meals. It is too much trouble for myself.

I hadn’t realized we were so wrapped up in each other for so many decades that we neglected to make close friends. Now, I can’t pick up the phone and say “Let’s go to dinner” to someone as there isn’t someone close by to say it to.

I am planning ( sort of ) a self guided tour of London, Paris and Rome; but I keep putting off the deposit for next year. I am not certain I can do that alone. What if I hate it by myself? Will I be comfortable ordering dinner in a restaurant alone?

The truest and most honest conclusion I’ve come to so far is. .  .  . widowhood sucks. Can’t get under it, over it, around or above it; we just have to put our shoulders back, our head down, our feet forward and go through it. One step at a time.