I feel as though I am surrounded by death, or threat of death. Someone is sick, someone is late, someone doesn't call as promised. I can't handle it. 10 minutes late and I'm imagining in vivid detail all the things that have went wrong. Yes, you read that right.. not that could have went wrong, but what has gone wrong. It's a forgone solution. Inevitable. It's not, they hit traffic, they stopped for coffee, they took the long way... it's they got in an accident and the next call will be from the hospital/police/morgue. I don't want to be expecting a call that doesn't come, or a visit that doesn't happen.
I'd rather not know.
People are like that. Late.. all the time.. it's our nature, it's human condition. Rational Jenn knows it's normal. Lateness. People are people. We decide we need that shower after all at the last minute, or we just have to stop and see what that roadside stand has to offer, or we take the scenic route. Or we simply hit traffic. It's life. It's the way things are. Normal.
I can't handle it.
Decisions are still hard for me. What to do, where to go, who to see or not see, what to say. I know nothing of how to do that anymore. I'm not afraid to let others down, I'm afraid to put myself somewhere I don't want to be. I'm afraid of putting myself where I will be uncomfortable or unable to cope. I'm afraid of being asked questions that I can't answer. I'm afraid of the imagined stares of others. I'm afraid of the conversation to no where. The unasked questions I see in their eyes, the look on their faces, forced and full of pity. I like being safe in my room, surrounded by my animals. Safe from all the chaos of the world, safe from all the unpredictability of "out there". Away from all that. It's crazy. I know. But that's what it is.
I rather not decide.
I remember the first time my brother and sister in law slept past 8:30. I knew my brother was OK, only because I could hear him snoring, but her I could hear nothing. I was sure she had died. I was too afraid to knock on the bedroom door to check. So I got her son up and fed him and got him dressed. I was planning. How do I handle my brother, who will not recover from this. What about her son? I know we need to fight his father for him. That's what she would want. I wasn't worried about money, that would work itself out. Unfounded, unrealistic fear. All to real. To the point of when she woke up, I was surprised, relieved. I love my sister in law. I just couldn't show it.
I can't handle it.
The phone is scary for me. The phone delivered the news of my grandmother. The phone delivered the news of my mother. I used the phone to deliver the news of my son. Rational Jenn knows the phone has nothing to do with it. But there is nothing rational about this. I'm not existing in the rational world. I'm floating around somewhere where nothing makes sense and nothing is as it should be and nothing fits together anymore.
The world out there is so volatile, so scary, so unpredictable...
I'd rather not know...
Until next time...
One minute, one second, one breath at a time...
Comments