Tears on MY Soul

The vast emotions, as they smother our entire life, slowly start to sort themselves out as time, that dreaded word, passes. We recognized the disbelief, it will remain, maybe forever, maybe not. I find that it rears it’s ugly head when I have turned my mind elsewhere. As it comes back around to Tim, disbelief will smack me in the face though it only last for moments. Moments are long enough, they seem like days. That moment passes and I acknowledge that yes, he is gone. The heartache that never leaves, deepens then eases a little. I will never get use to that feeling. The ache of a million stars as they burst and die in the night sky. The river that runs dry after eons of running to the sea. I cry for nothing lasts forever. So many emotions twisted and ties up together, no pretty bow to present them. They coil around you like snakes on a hunt that have found their quarry.

Anger and rage sort themselves out but co-exist together. When these feelings became visible, I was shocked and dismayed. My anger, in time gone by, was never great. It would come and go fast. Now it stays, lingers on my shoulders like some great shroud. It is the anger of loss, not anger at Tim. It is the anger of life, so unfair that keeps us from finding answers or peace or solace. The rage scared me, then I welcomed it. It burned out the helplessness for a while, gave me relief from my thoughts of horror. Yes, I welcomed the rage, fanned it’s flames and bathed in the volcano. The raged caged me, kept me confined to a narrowness that did not allow me to move sideways. Did not allow me one step away from the nightmare my life had become. I have had to learn to beat that rage down, and to accept that it is now a part of me, welded to the person I have become. So there it lurks and has become part of my dark side for we cannot have light without the dark. Learning to accept who I am becoming is hard. I am not the peacemaker anymore, the silent one. I am no longer easy going. I don’t know where this is taking me. I do not worry when it will go. Worry changes nothing.

The tears still flow, oh yes. Now, they are the tears on my soul. The never ending waterfall that carries itself hundreds of feet down into the bowels of the earth, only this waterfall flows further than the stars. It is forever. My eyes do not weep often. My soul cries eternally. We, the broken who will slowly mend year after year, we have a right to the deepness and fury of our emotions. It is nothing to be ashamed of for they are part of us. It is the shock and horror of our loss that brings them to our conscious surface. Even then, we will learn to tame what is now our death right. But in the beginning, nothing is tameable, nothing. It takes time, sometimes a lot of it to sort out everything that has been bound together. At first it is a daunting task and we turn our heads away. We have enough to deal with, it is impossible for our bruised and battered minds to wrap around the whirlwind in our minds. That is why there is time. It takes time. We hate that, we need immediate results, relief, now. We cannot have that. We rile against everything because ease is slow to come. You do not mend hours after surgery, and you become use to that wound, in time, hardly noticing that it has healed. The scar the reminder that it was once there. Our scars lay in secret places, some will only partially mend. The tears, the tears on our souls will forever be the bond between those we loved and who loved us.