"Meaning makes a great many things endurable-perhaps everything."
- C.G. Jung
Change is perpetual. We often have to make big changes in order to cope with unwanted circumstances that continually present themselves. This is an ongoing lifelong condition. There is no way out or around it. When major losses (even minor ones) occur the key to dealing with them is to eventually accept what cannot be reversed and begin the task of adapting. So let's begin with the first and major lesson that great losses present to us, the lesson of all lessons.
1. Accept the reality of that which cannot be changed. Of course, this is not easy to do. It takes time and much grieving. It is our number one demanding task. It takes dedicated thought and frequently some major alterations in beliefs. However, finding ways to accept your great loss by being open to new ideas, experiences, and roles spawns hope for the future. Acceptance opens the door to rebuilding our new life.
2. Learn that resisting what is in the past, or cannot be changed, prolongs suffering. Resistance is a major energy drain, narrows your focus, and keeps you much more susceptible to anger, guilt, and depression. Furthermore, it minimizes the possibility of establishing new routines that can be used to develop interests, skills, and ways to create new goals.
3. Take time to focus externally. Realize that you can help yourself immensely if you will take time to focus outside of yourself each day. Finding simple ways to help others, even though you are grieving, can be an immense help in dealing with your loss. It gives your body and mind a break from the stress of grief work. Equally useful, it will strengthen your belief that you are important, affect the lives of others in a positive way, and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
4. Learn to love in separation. Love never dies. Relationships never end. The spirit and memories forever live on. They are eternal and it is here that we must become experts in understanding the power of love in dealing with every change that comes our way. Develop behaviors that continue to show your love for the deceased. Honor him or her on special days. Offer some of your volunteer work or other activities in their honor. Create a personal ritual that will strengthen the new relationship with your loved one which has to be established.
5. Learn to tolerate uncertainty. It is at the core of a strong inner life and enjoying a good life. The media constantly hypes a continuous flow of advertisements that clearly demonstrate positive results. If you buy this product or go a certain place, we are told, great benefits await us. It is easy to expect positive results. They do not sell uncertainty. Yet it enters every life throughout life. Accept it as a normal challenge, a critical lesson, and make necessary changes in order to neutralize it.
6. Find meaning in loss. The vexing question we all need to face is why a particular loss comes into our lives and what meaning can we find in it. Study, read, and talk to others who have dealt with great changes. What did they learn? How did they go about finding meaning and purpose in life after the change was faced? Reread Jung's quote at the beginning of this article as a motivator. Then start your search for the meaning inherent in your loss.
Since grief comes to us in so many ways throughout life, loss of a home, friend, job, cherished possession, a loved one, our health and on and on, let's not waste the opportunity to look for something in loss that can help us grow. We can't sidestep grief but we can learn from it. All it takes is 100% determination to examine ways to adapt and cope with unwanted circumstances as well as normalize what appears at first to hold little meaning. This takes commitment but is well worth the effort as we face the changes yet to come.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (After-Death Communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website ishttp://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.
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