trying to survive losses

I don't know why I was surprised when I received the call at 4:08am on May 11, 2012 that my mom had passed. After all, she had lung cancer, terrible bout of COPD, she battled mental illness, addictions to cigarettes, painkillers and xanax and lost at the age of 64.

My mother and I had a complex and difficult relationship that after numerous attempts on both our sides to finally reconcile and learn again how to love each other, we failed or as I see it, I failed.

The paralyzing, loss struck me down like a bird shot out of the sky. mothers and daughters are supposed to, by natural, be almost fused together in a loving and special bond. instead, that bond was only created between mom and my younger brother. at least one of us had her unconditional love.

A mother is the heart and soul of the family. nothing has been right since that awful morning. seeing her before she was cremated in this cardboard box still haunts me right now. my brother and I really went at each other that night. it's mostly my fault because that list above that describes my mothers struggles is similar to me minus a few things.

However, as if my severe regrets with my mom aren't bad enough, I lost my brother in the crossfire. now I'm mourning two losses. my brother is alive and well. I love him so much it hurts but he can't feel it for me. my last visit with him was cold and unrelenting. he has a laundry list of issues with me he attacked my personality, shamed me by saying I embarrass him in a numbe of ways. I have not changed much through the years but he's done a 360 on me.

His family is only his wife, her family, and this large crowd of neighbors. my dad and I pushed aside. it feels like forever. I am waiting, hoping he'll pick up the phone and work this out. that's not his way. I've reached out many times but it's not working. he has children now. I was there for the birth at his request. I was happy to fly out there for him. I was happy to be godmother to the girls. however, another tragic event happened. my brothers wife lost her brother who was to be godfather. it's an awful loss for her and her wonderful family.

I wish they would grieve with me, after all we are a party of three in grief. but I'm by myself. my brother won't allow me to discuss any of this with him and his wife and I sadly are not as close as I hoped for. 

How do I try and heal myself when all around me are losses?? most days I wish I were gone. I almost can't handle all of this emotional pain.

I now see that my mom loved me in her own way. she was severely abused by her stepmother as a child. there is much more to this but I try to focus on moving forward. I have a wonderful son and husband. my dad and I are complicated but definitely love each other . after all, he was the only parent there for me.

I have been in therapy for years for a variety of things. this is another problem between my brother and I. I'm not sure why my fixing myself bothers him so much. actually, he and I should have some sessions together. it would be painful but I bet it would help us before it's too late.

Our mother is gone, I don't want to grieve the loss of my brother too. how do I resolve this?? I hope to learn how to heal myself in this group before it's too late for me.