I really don’t contemplate the reasons or meaning of life much anymore. I think it would drive me crazy and with all that has happened, crazy is not too far away. I’m sure we all feel that way, that we have gone off our rockers with all the changes that happened so suddenly when our loved one passed. We are not crazy, just different. The urge to keep asking why we are here becomes stronger because we are trying to understand what happened to the one we love. We wonder, if we hurt this much and maybe always will, what good are we? It’s hard to share ourselves as we travel this broken road. I think, sooner or later, that answer will come without driving ourselves over the edge trying to find it.
I see the world, people, as bright shining, multi-colored lights. When Tim died, I did not feel his light go out so much as I felt it change. I imagine, from that side, that our lights look like tangled colors all knotted and mixed together. When we leave this part of our journey, our light becomes loose from the millions that surround it. It does not go out, it becomes different, just as we, who live, have become different with our loss. It is a weird reasoning, yet it helps me. I don’t want him to feel the pain that racks my soul daily. He has ended this journey and started a new one.
I miss Tim on such a deep level, one I never knew existed and wish I did not know now but I know his thread of light is still connected to mine. It always will be. It does not make me cry or hurt any less. It does not make me cry or hurt more. It just helps me see things in a different way. After all, we are all different now. I know I have fought against this change, which is silly for there is nothing I can do. It is fighting myself and I do enough of that already. So hard to let go of who I was. Hard to accept that me is gone. These changes are not all good, not all bad, but they do surprise and shock me sometimes. I have become less soft, more outspoken? I laugh at that for outspoken is not to a few others liking. They were use to saying what they wanted, whether it was hurtful or not and I would not say much. Not that I was afraid or meek, just preferred peace, live and let live, yada yada yada. Offend me on purpose now and I will not only tell you about it, but will probably push you away, permanently, for I have as much right to be me as you have to be you, whoever me might turn out to be.
All of our lights are made up of different colors. The most dominate of your personality will be the most dominate in your light. Those who lie, cheat, etc as a way of life will have more darkness in their threads. The beautiful of souls shine out the most. Tim’s shone out. He was not perfect except to me. He did all kinds of things that were not good, but he never intentionally hurt anyone. He was human. His biggest down fall was that when those he knew got in trouble, if he was with them, he would take the blame for their misdeeds. Not that he wasn’t doing his own misdeeds, but he could not let a friend fall. They usually let him take the fall for them. His light shone out brightly.
As the days fall into months, I feel not only his loss, but the loss of self, loss of meaning. I have fought against it all. We do fight it. It becomes tied up in a giant messy ball that we try to untangle as we struggle to come to terms with death, the whys, the horror and sorrow. Too much is going on constantly and this fight is added too it. How much more can we take? Sooner or later, we have to turn and face the change. We have to let that struggle go and accept that there is no going back. Argh, easy said, not so easy done. We try to work everything out at once instead of one step at time, one struggle at a time. We become more tangled up. Our grief and sadness is now and forever a part of us. We cannot shake it off like a wet dog. We fear it and think that we cannot possibly live with this for the rest of out lives, however long that is. I think that maybe accepting it will go a long ways toward helping us learn to deal with it. It does not mean that we won’t hurt, won’t have bad days, it just means that we will built a place for it so it does not dominate our life but lives beside it.
Those who have known me for a long time do not believe that I am different, for don’t I look pretty much the same on the outside. I can’t push them into seeing who I am becoming, for they have blinders on. I once had blinders on, I hope they get to keep their blinders, yet I wish they knew. It is a catch 22. For them to know would mean that death ripped their blinders off. It is very frustrating for me, but I will learn to let that go too. I will become whom ever it is I will be and not worry so much or care so much that others don’t understand. I have to walk this path, live this sorrow, carry this grief, learn a new way of life, accept that Tim is never coming back in human form, so much, so much change. My heart may break a million times a day in a million small ways or large ones but I will walk on. I love you Tim. You brought me great joy and great sorrow and I would not trade one moment I had with you, not one. Your light shines on and touches those who cannot follow. I love you my son. I am changed, but still your mom.