Valentine Memories

Thinking of upcoming Valentine’s Day sends me back wistfully to a much lighter time in my past, a memory of the last Valentine's Day before Nina died. Chris and Nina had been dating for about two months. He was her first "real" boyfriend. Chris was a wonderful young man, just the kind that a mom would approve of. She woke me up Valentine's Day morning, before she went to school, and with pleading eyes asked me to shop for something for Chris to give him for a Valentine’s Day gift. She found out that he had bought her a gift and would be coming over after school to give it to her and she wanted to have something for him as well.  She asked me to find glow-in-the-dark stars like she had on her bedroom ceiling. At that time, the only place you could find them was at a store found only at the larger shopping malls, none of which were any too close to our home.

I began the search for the stars; not exactly in my plans for the day. The first two stores that I checked were entirely out of them. The store that had them was another 45-minute drive. I remember feeling really grumpy about all the time I had put into looking for those "stupid" stars!  Altogether, I had spent about a half a day in search of the special stars.  Looking at the clock, I soon realized I didn't have much time to get home so that Nina would have them before Chris came over.  I rushed home and got a speeding ticket on top of everything else! I was very crabby by the time I pulled into our driveway.  I was ready to read Nina the riot act and tell her what an "inconvenience" she had caused me by not thinking of doing this earlier.

When I arrived home, Nina was waiting for me in the kitchen. I handed her the bag with the stars in it.  Before I could say one word she wrapped her arms around me in a gigantic hug, thanked me profusely, apologized for waiting until the last minute, and told me that I was "the bestest mommy in the whole world."  She told me that "not many moms would do this for their kids.”

Chris came over that afternoon and they exchanged gifts. I can still see Nina come up the stairs wearing a smile big enough to light all the heavens to show me the cherry-red turtleneck turtleneck that Chris gave her with an embroidered Tweety-Bird (her favorite cartoon character) insignia on it. She hugged me and thanked me again for going the extra mile for her.

Fortunately, she didn't give me time to chastise her when I came home from the store on that Valentine’s Day. Nearly, three months later, Nina was killed by a drunk driver…on my birthday…in May of 1995 on a freeway inOrlando,Florida. I am so thankful to have that last happy memory. It is one that I pull out of my memory bank when I need reassurance that, though I had my moments that I wish I could take back, I did try to be the "bestest mommy" that I could be. It really helps me when I have those guilt-ridden days that I think we all go through, when we blow out of proportion something we wish we had or hadn't done, said or didn’t say, even though we were just being “normal" parents reacting to time constraints and stresses of everyday life. When our loved one has died, we don’t have the luxury of being able to go back and apologize or explain ourselves, a very difficult thing for us to deal with.

I will always remember that last Valentine's Day and my Nina's gloriously happy face, with a smile...and a tear.  Oh, how I miss my girl…

Cathy Seehuetter, TCF/St. Paul, MN