VALID QUESTIONS

How are you suppose to move on, when your life has been slammed in to a brick wall? How are you suppose to make sense of things, when nothing makes any sense at all? Life as you knew it does not exsist any more. What do you do now? Where do you go from here? How do you live with the paralizing  pain, the loneliness, the anger and the guilt?

All very valid questions, and I have asked them all. My husband Howard was told he had a rare form of cancer March 31, 2011. He fought hard, but lost the battle October 17, 2014. I might as well have been in a speeding car that was slammed in to a brick wall, my life came to a screeching stop. Everything in me is screaming NO NO it''s not true! He'll be home, he's just late. Or he will call as soon as he gets the chance. Then it hits me, and I cry for hours. There are times I just scream. No words, not to anyone, just scream. There are times when I scream I'm Sorry, for not doing things maybe I should have done. There are times when I can't do anything, including breathe, and I'm sure my heart will stop. Living without him is not something I thought I would ever have to do. We had 42 wonderful years together, and I was looking forward to many more.
So now I am faced with learning to live without him. It is so very hard, when you have been slammed in to that brick wall. I wonder if it will ever get better, will I ever get myself off of this brick wall, will my life ever go forward again?

There are some things I do that I have found help a little bit. I really miss his embrace, we used to sit in each others arms and watch tv. So when I really want to feel him with me, I wear the coat he used to wear, and wrap the arms around myself. It's not his embrace, but it does help. I miss his smell. I have a little mesh sachet right above our bed. In it there are two cotton balls drenched with his after shave. So at night, when I close my eyes, I can smell that, and it is almost like he is there. I have a video of him playing with our youngest grandchild. I keep watching it, just to hear his voice, because I miss it. I have every text message he ever sent me that I read over and over again, because I miss talking with him and the conversations we use to have.

I can never have him back with me again, and all these things certainly don't replace him, they just help me thru the painful, lonely times. We will be together again, when it's my turn to go home. Till then, I will forever love him, and miss him terribly.