When Does a Social Pleasantry Becomes a Painful Reminder?

The Grief Toolbox has been very helpful to me in my time of pain and sorrow and I hope to contribute and comfort others as well. I decided to go back to a time when my scar was a deep fresh wound.  I journaled this just two months after the sudden loss of my precious six-year-old grandson, Dylan Skye.

I have become an early riser since that sad day. The sun continues to rise and spread its beautiful glowing colors every morning and the sunset blankets the sky with amazing hues every evening. Just as this continues to happen, life continues to go on for everyone else.  They are out eating, shopping, laughing and carrying on.  They are unaware of the major event that has taken place. There is no cast, visible wound, bandage, crutch, scar or sign to signal my overpowering injury.  They cannot see or sense my broken heart.  Maybe my swollen eyes, red nose, vacant look in my eyes, the lack of concentration and disbelief should all be signs of my grief. But most likely they will not pick up on this through my sunglasses.  I can avoid many things, but I cannot avoid going out to get groceries.  After all, even if I am barely eating, I still must eat something and so must my husband.  I especially dread going through the checkout lane.  Every time I walk through I am asked "How are you today?".  I want to say, I am sad, I feel like crying, it took everything I have to come here, I am in shock, I'm missing a major piece of my life that I will never get back, I feel like I am having a heart attack and I am missing my loved one immensely.  Instead, I just mumble something and try to get out of there before I break down in tears.  

There should be some sort of sign we could wear while we are grieving that would indicate that we are in agony and suffering. Maybe it could be something like the little ribbons people wear to support a cause, or perhaps a broken heart pendant to wear. Then people would be aware that we are struggling and be able to just say, sorry for your loss, I hope you feel better soon or just avoid that question.  

Now, almost four years later, I still consciously avoid saying I am fine or excellent most of the time.  I continue to be reminded of my amazing grandson when I am asked this question. I  am aware that life will never be the same.  I have been able to get back to a new normal, but I know there will always be a hole in my heart.  We each grieve in our own way and time and release our pain in our own unique manner.  We should try to be gentle with ourselves.  This is our journey and we need to take it at our own pace.  There is no time limit or right or wrong way to grieve.

I am grateful for the precious gift that only lasted for six and one-half glorious years. Since his passing, he has been able to reacquaint me with my joy, laughter and passion by sending me signs letting me know that he is still here with me, conveying his love.  Thank you Dylan Skye.  

Disa Van Orman