Who Am I Really?

This is another vacation week for me. I look forward to my vacations. I do. My husband and I can't always take the same weeks,so I end up being home alone with alot of time on my hands. I do not do well with time on my hands and I don't know how to relax.I end up actually dreading the time I spend at home...and I realize -again "This new life? I don't like it and I don't want it. 

In the now 8 years since Keith has left us, I have become very adept at skirting my feelings. I stand beside myself and look at my world instead of IN my world. You can't really get too hurt that way. Extremely effective if you can do so, but not terribly efficient and your emotions leak out in other ways. To the outside world,I look very well. My hair and makeup are always done,and my clothes are clean and ironed. I keep a nice home and I go to work mostly every day. I smile big when you ask me how I am and usually say "GREAT!" ( i don't know why) If I say to myself "Jeez I had a good day today ,I could just slap myself.......HOW is this even POSSIBLE -without Keith here???" The mind torture alone is punishment enough. 

In my home,alone where the mask can come off, I am afraid. I am alone and I am anxious. I am exhausted by the charade. I just can't believe this is how my new life will be played out. Me, my husband and my lovely daughter. I can't think how we can survive a lifetime without ever seeing our beautiful Golden Boy. 

And this is where I say...Who Are You........Lisa .......

Can you stand beside yourself or above yourself and be a spectactor for all your remaining years or can you Stand tall  INSIDE yourself and say I am going to be a survivor of this horrible life tragedy and live my new life to the best of my ability as Keith would want me to?

I never imagined a life without one of my desperately wanted children. But this IS my life. The struggle to live it accordingly is proving to be very difficult for me. I am grateful....as morbid as it is and I am sorry,that I have other families to share with ...so I know I am not alone ..but me without my child is me without my soul. 

As I sit in the gorgeous weather today and take it all in again.....as Keith's 29th Birthday quickly approaches ,I know i should and will try to better appreciate the really happy days I DO have. All of .......this..has made me......who I am......