Why Don't People Grieve Alike?

I used to wonder why people didn't grieve alike. I would go to funerals and see some people trying to throw themselves into the ground with their loved one in a casket. Others stood there stoically, not shedding a tear, some mourners stood silently, letting tears stream down their faces but not uttering a sound, and others cried so loud you could hear them in the next county.

It wasn't until I got older and had been to a lot of funerals and shared a lot of stories with my clients, that I began to ascertain the answers to my question. And, the answer is so simple that I'm almost embarrassed I didn't see it when I was fourteen and fifteen and trying to figure it out, but in those days, people didn't discuss these things, especially with children.

As I got older and experienced more of life, and let me qualify that. As I got older and more of my loved ones died, I began to understand the answers without my elders saying a word to me. They didn't have to say a word; the answers were written on the faces of the mourners.

How people express grief depends on their emotional experiences. Some people have been made to feel they are weak and inferior if they show any outward signs of grief. Others want to be seen as loving the deceased one so thoroughly that they can't contain their emotions. And others can't cry in public.

I'm one of those people who can't cry in public. I usually take my grief and suffer silently, in my bedroom, or just away from other people. On rare occasions, when my body can't contain the emotions that are clamoring for release, I might stand there silently and not even realize that the tears are flowing down my face. But. shortly afterward, I hie myself off to a private place to grieve by myself.

So now, many generations later, when I hear people criticizing mourners who don't shed a tear, those who stand silently as though this was just another day, another occasion, another funeral, I look at the faces of the people who are there and I'm more cognizant of pain-filled eyes and smiles for their guests that don't reach their eyes, and I realize that they are grieving in their own way, and it's not for any of us to stand in judgment of how the death of a loved one has affected them.

We're different people, shaped by different experiences, and we're dealing with grief in the only way we know how.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/ See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles