Without the Possibility of Parole

Over the last 7 years, I have followed a very contorted murder trial. It ended just recently with life without the possibility of parole. The murderers only claim to fame was not only how she murdered a good man but how she keep murdering him in court. A devastated family had to sit through years of deep sorrow and rage. In the end, it was not the just sentence that riveted me, but his sisters words because I understood only too well what she mean't. The short of it was that she could not live with the pain. Her loss was destroying her life, everyday agony beyond words. All she could do was push away the memories and try to forget the brother that the family's world centered around. Last night, I watched an episode of 'Criminal Minds' where Ed Asner was diagnosed with Alzheimer. He said that there was an up side to the disease. One would forget those they lost, they would become strangers. There would be no more hurt, pain, sorrow. Again, I understood. We are afraid we will forget the ones we love while at the same time wishing we could. The twisted emotions of grief.

We wake everyday with the instant knowledge that the ones we love are gone. We feel the empty space where they once stood, hear the silence where they once spoke. It seems that everything we do has a shade of them in there somewhere, always a constant reminder that they are gone. We despair with the understanding that this is our life now. This is our life without the possibility of parole. No time off for good behavior or a last minute reprieve. Sounds pretty bleak and it is. We are ill prepared for this. There is no going back for the path home is gone. Our struggle has only just begun.

In the days, weeks, months and years, we struggle with too many things that are outside of the scope of our old world. No one prepared us for what we will face, not just in the death of our loved ones, but the loss of the living as well. The blows to our souls keep coming, sometimes to the point that we wonder what it is worth to keep taking it. We hit a point where we just want to forget. Forget our loss, forget those who left us to deal alone, forget everything. Then we feel guilty for even thinking that way. How could we want to forget those who mean so much to us? The mind can only deal with so much before it fights back. We will not forget those who have died. At the same time, we are already so completely destroyed, we can walk beyond those who would add to that pain. Sometimes, that is the only way we can cope with this life sentence. We protect ourselves from the living. How sad to have to do that. The alternative is worse.

Most of the friends I have now are ones who found me or I found them after Tim died. Not all of them, some stayed by us and helped us, encouraged us when it all seemed hopeless. Our family has stood strong. With this network of so many who love us, regardless of how much we have changed, we have found some footing on this harsh ground. We stumble, we fall and we get back up. We have learned to organize our lives to the things that really matter. They are not all the same things that mattered before we lost our son. Our relationships with our daughter and grandsons have changed also, but for the better. We understand where we stand in the eyes of others. Some standing is not good but most of it is and we have to be satisfied with what we cannot change.

We see the world so differently now. That seems to be a permanent change. Some changes were temporary some are forever. We can only wait and see which it will be. Sadness is part of our sum total, that will never go away, but we have joy too. Sometimes you have to search pretty hard to find joy, but it is there, we don't recognize it anymore, so we search for it. Hard to believe that one can find joy even as we grieve. Look to the simple things in life, the natural. We find weird joy in the bloom of a flower that we planted, the flight of a bird, the rise of the sun, the moon and stars, fish jumping in the lake or the mummer of a brook as it winds it way down the mountain side, even the roar of a waterfall. So many little things that were taken for granted before. Yes, we have life without parole, but we will make of it what we decide to. There will come a day when we can do that, change perceptions of our world so we can live in it with some ease. This week, I sang online, last week i was painting an oil canvass. I don't know what I will do next week as I search for joy; and sometimes, find it. If it won't come to me, I will go to it. I will move my feet, hold my son tightly in my heart along with those who are still here with me. 'Forever Mom.'