The World Moves On
It is sixteen (16) months today. That comes as a shock to the heart. I still have moments where it slams into me that Tim is truly gone. While our brains know this, our hearts do not accept it. We have carried on, month after month, learning a new life, accepting that our loved one is gone, trying to get past grief and sorrow. Seriously, it depends on who you are grieving for as to whether there is any 'getting past' it. It is how you are treated and what happens after the loss that helps determine how much or how little you heal. There is so much involved that it can be overwhelming to the griever. It is not as simple as 'choosing' how you are going to feel each day, If only it were that easy, so many of us would love to be able to choose.
There will be many things we will try in our effort to accept their loss. Still, our hearts will stay in denial for how can one so loved just suddenly... stop. While we move forward and heal in many different areas, this is one area that will forever hold this lasting sorrow. It is not so much a heart in denial as it is the price we pay for love. My son is gone, everything about him lives on. I still stumble across things that were his and the memories rush in. You can no easier stop that from happening then you can hold your breath for an hour. For a long time all I could see was Tim's face that last time. All I could hear was his voice the night before telling me 'I love you, mom.' That is not a constant now as it was but it still happens. One learns to expect nothing and accept all. Our world of contradictions.
The time comes, maybe in months, many in years, when you will want things to change. You know that it will never be the same again, how could it? But you want to feel better. Feeling better does not mean you do not still grieve, it means you are accepting the changes in your life and learning to live with them. I think the heart will always be at war with the brain, but they have to co-exist too. Even though my heart does not accept his loss, my brain knows he is gone. Tears fall but there is laughter too. Dreams for his future stopped, but there are still dreams for others. Scary at first, but that is a part of learning to live again. Giving your love to those that love you. Pushing away the fear that they too will be gone one day. We all will be, it is a fact.
A few weeks after Tim died, a woman told me that it is up to us to move on and get over it. She said how it was just a matter of doing it. I asked her which one of her children she had lost and what bit of magic did she use to 'get over' it. She had never had kids. She knew a child that died and she got over just fine. Lately, I read someones words where they said they made the choice to not to be sorrowful over death since we all die. They mentioned how they had buried many and they choose to laugh, smile, etc. They never lost a child. I hope they never cross that road and find out if their philosophy holds true. Don't misunderstand, if they can do that I am happy for them. They don't realize they are a rare breed. They assume that if they can do that, everyone can. We are each different from the other, so one must learn to be open minded and understand that what one can do, another may not be able to. I hope this person is not in denial themselves, but that this truly works for them.
It saddens me that even though we are in the age of knowledge at our fingertips, we, the grieving, will still be judged. We carry that burden as well. We know, every waking moment, that those we love will never be within our reach again. We know that we need to pay attention to those still here. In time, if given time, we will do just that. In this hurry up world, few want to give us that time. The world moves on whether we move with it or not. Time is our enemy for it takes us further away from that last moment of their lives. It also, at the same time, puts a cushion between us and our loss. So while our hearts deny, we still move forward. Too many stay outside of this and believe that all we do is spend all our time in our grief. If only they really knew what we are doing, I think it would shame them.
I miss Tim every single day. I do not dwell on it, it just is. I am not ashamed of that. I am not ashamed of the tears. I have done things that others cannot possibly understand, but I know I am doing mostly the right things, what is right for me and those I love. I am an imperfect human and really, not ashamed of that either. I see the world differently and react to it differently. And yes, I am happy with who I am. 'Forever Mom.'