Writing through my grief
On Oct 3rd 2011 at 2:33pm I was told that my baby was dead. I was 35 weeks pregnant when I got the horrible news no mother ever wants to hear. Your baby no longer has a heartbeat. Then the news got worse, you have to deliver her. I had spent 8 months preparing for her arrival and suddenly it was happening. Just not the way I had planned it.
Writing had been my passion since I was a child; I loved the way I could get out of my comfort zone. I could express my feelings without having to speak them out loud. So naturally I wanted to share with the world, my feelings about becoming a first time mother. I started an online blog, like a modern day baby book.
I was almost three months when Letters to Leia came about. I called it Dear Boba. We had no idea at this point, if we would be having a boy, but since there are no boys in my husband’s family we hoped. My husband is an avid Star Wars fan, so we played around with names that would represent that. We had no intentions of actually going through with a name; until we found out we were having a girl. Right away we knew the name had to be Leia. There was no other name in the world that would fit. Our little princess was meant for this name.
The blog started off simple enough; I posted photos of her ultrasound. I then started writing letters to the bean growing in my stomach, and telling her how I was feeling. Occasionally I would through in my true feelings, and let her know I was afraid. There was no way to know if anyone other than my husband actually read these letters or not, and I didn’t care. They were for us. I really wanted to document ever moment inside my stomach and then as the child grew so would my blog.
This became a ritual, a way for me to get out the way I was feeling, and be honest without anyone judging me to my face. It wasn’t until one day on twitter that I found out how many people actually cared about my feelings. Someone told me they were reading, and loved how honest I was. They told me I was already a great mother, and had nothing to worry about. Knowing people read sometimes made it a little harder for me to write. I didn’t want anyone to think I was a bad person for worrying about the small things like diaper changes. But I never stopped writing.
After 4 days of delivery, I was emotionally and physically drained. I didn’t want to hold her; I didn’t want to see my beautiful princess this way. My husband however, wanted to and asked me one last time if I was sure. I changed my mind, when I saw the hurt in his eyes. It was the best thing I have ever done. Holding her, talking to her (outside of my body), was different. It was painful, but something I do not regret. I told her I wouldn’t ever stop writing to her. I promised her.
I haven’t broken this promise. I never intend to. The letters just got more emotional, more intense, and more honest. I was encouraged to take a break from writing to her, and let myself grieve. But nothing seemed real, so I didn’t listen. On Friday when we came home I wanted to write to her. I sat down but nothing came to me. All I did was cry. I refused to believe it was real. I did write to her on Oct 10th just 4 days after she left this world. It was Thanksgiving.
Today is Thanksgiving, and although I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for, I know this is not true. I am truly blessed with wonderful family and friends to help us threw this tragic time.
It was one week ago that your daddy and I were told you were no longer with us, and I would have to deliver you. That moment my heart stopped beating and I refused to believe them. I still don’t believe it even after all I’ve been threw.
I want you to know that I did blame myself and probably always will, even though I know that it was nothing I did. We did request a test to make sure but God wanted you as his angel.
You will forever be in our hearts, we will always love you. You are piece of us. We can never replace you.
On Thursday Oct 6th at 5:20pm, you came into this world. This took place at Cambridge Hospital in Cambridge Ontario Canada . You were 4 11 and absolutely beautiful. I’m not just saying this cause I’m your mommy! It is true. So perfect, not a flaw on you. Your sweet face looked exactly like your daddy, which makes it very hard for me to look at him. You had gorgeous lips that were very much mine. But your cheeks, big hands, big feet, and the crevices about your lips were his.
Your daddy held you first later when they dressed you and took photos of you. I could only watch and cry. The nice lady at the hospital then took more photos of you and your daddy, me and you, me you and your daddy and many more. I haven’t been able to look at them yet, but some day we will.
I have so much more I want to say to you, so this will not be my last post to you. It may take a little time Leia, but I made a promise to you and I know you heard me.
Kiss my Nana for me and my friend Stephanie when you meet them, but I know you already have because I dreamt about it and saw you go into the light.
All my love forever and ever,
Mommy
That was the hardest letter I ever wrote. To admit that she was gone was too much. It was the perfect way for me to escape the reality of what was going on. I could trick myself into thinking she was still with me inside of me.
Then I started my period. Life suddenly became too real. My baby did die. I reached out to my readers and asked for help. I started a Facebook page, and bought the domain name Letterstoleia.ca . Instead of going into a dark black hole I decided to embrace my gift and help others.
Writing has been an excellent way for me to grieve. I am honest, I am open. I tell it like it is. If I am having a bad day, or feel guilty for smiling, then I tell Leia. If I want to write her a poem, or just post a photo of something that has happen that day, then I do.
I’m helping others in the process, I’ve been told by more than one person this. One mom told me she is more patient with her newborn now, because she knows what I am going through. Another said she feels blessed to be reading because she is also feeling the same way I am, and thought maybe she was the only one. The one email I got changed everything. It was from a new mom that told me she happen upon my letters and remembered me saying that I just didn’t feel right and thought I should get checked out. She had the same bad feeling. Turns out she was right. Her doctor didn’t want her to deliver early but she insisted and she wouldn’t have a healthy baby now if she hadn’t. I believe this is my daughter watching out for other, watching out for her baby.
My letters to Leia are now the most important thing to me. My relationship with her has continued even though she is no longer growing inside of me. Writing has been therapeutic. I can help myself and help others and for that I have no regrets sharing.
I can be reached anytime at [email protected] my blog is www.letterstoleia.ca
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