You can’t fix someone’s grief – just be there!

Most people feel compelled to try to fix what is wrong when their loved ones are hurting. Their love and concern for them drives them to act, to “do” something.

Concerned loved ones cannot resist the temptation to speak into the griever’s situation and recite platitudes, scripture verses that come to mind which seem appropriate at the time, to offer opinions – to fix it.

It is a natural and very human response when feeling helpless, frustrated and desperate to “make it better” for someone who is overwhelmed with pain and crying out.  And it helps – sometimes. Most often though, especially during the very intense initial months and those unpredictable peaks which can come on like tsunamis at any time, their efforts can backfire. They are left bewildered when their heartfelt attempts are met with resistance from the griever and even withdrawal.  Nothing they say seems to be helping at all. The “doer” is left wondering what he/she did wrong.  The slightest thing seems to set the griever off. The more the “doer” tries to fix the griever, the more resistance he/she will get. And the griever is left feeling misunderstood, alone in their pain and confused about their intense and sometimes irrational emotions.  Everyone is left frustrated.

As someone in deep grief myself, in my personal experience, grief is the one condition that you cannot “fix” for anyone.   Words fail to pacify, for there are no words that take the pain away and no answers that satisfy.  But we cry out because it hurts so much.  You cannot stub your toe or hit your fingernail with a hammer and not cry out.  Sometimes the pain just builds up and we can’t keep it in anymore. And we cry out. We don’t ask “why” expecting an answer.  No answer in the universe will be acceptable to us.  We just need someone to hear us.  We want our pain acknowledged in that terrible crescendo moment – we don’t need a “fix”.

So what does the “doer” do?  First you have to understand that you cannot take the pain away.  You cannot fix it.  It is just not fixable. You LISTEN above all, support, say as little as possible. But let them know you are there for them. If with them - hold them (a brief hug won’t do here – you need to hold them).  I don’t have anyone around most of the time, but 2 events in the 18 months of my grief have stuck with me: when I flew in to be with my family after my fiancés memorial service, my sister met me at the airport – always a woman of few words she just put her arms around me and HELD me and said “I’ve got you”.  It was the single most significant act and comforting words I had heard in the 8 days since that dreadful day.  When I returned to work this year after a 6 month sabbatical due to a breakdown directly related to my grief I met an old school friend of my fiancés for the first time.  He came over to me, not saying a word, he just put his arms around me and held me for the longest time.   These 2 acts stood out above all the advice, fixes, pep-talks, quotes and worn out clichés I had been showered with. Maybe its just me – but it just poured healing and comfort into me – it was exactly what I needed.

Grief is complicated. Living on is hard – for all involved.  Sometimes just finding the will to want to try is hard. Grievers have so much to deal with without having to deal with feeling misunderstood and judged. The pain is terrible and impossible to explain to someone who has not gone through it themselves – yet another added frustration! 

Let the griever cry as much as they need to.  Allow them feel what they feel without judging.

" There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

It’s not up to loved ones to do the fixing.  Just be there and love them.