You Need a Reason to get up in the Morning: Reconciling Grief

Death makes us examine life.  Why did this happen?  Could death have been prevented?  How will I live my life now?  These are just a few of the questions mourners ask.  As we struggle to find answers, we must deal with daily tasks – grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, and home repairs.

I had many questions after my daughter and father-in-law died the same weekend in 2007.  More questions came to mind when my brother and former son-in-law died several months later.  Though I didn’t find all the answers, I found news ways to cope.  Every mourner does this.

Laura T. Becker, PhD writes about finding the meaning of loss in the October 2009 issue of “ADEC Forum,” the newsletter of the Association for Death Education and Counseling.  In her article, ‘Pushed to the Limits of Our Fragility: Religion and Rebuilding the Shattered Assumptive World,” Becker says the bereaved cope in many ways.  Some of us don’t show our distress, some of us show some of it, and others struggle to adapt. .

“People coping with loss or trauma often feel compelled to make sense of the circumstances,” she writes, “thereby finding ‘meaning’ in the event.  Becker sees meaning-making as a process that requires reappraising our identity, adopting new roles, adopting new identities, and finding new life roles.  According to Becker, each mourner makes his or her life diagram, based on experience and self-understanding.

Losing four loved ones within nine months caused me to reexamine my life.  Or, as a neighbor put it, “You need a reason to get up in the morning.”  What was my reason?  Life answered the question for me.  My daughter’s death and my former son-in-law’s death made my husband and me GRGs, grandparents raising grandchildren.

This was my new mission. Busy as I was, I treasured every moment I spent with my grandkids and husband. I also made a conscious decision to keep writing.  Giving up writing would feel like another death in the family.  Volunteering in the community is another reason to get up in the morning.  What are yours?

Your reasons may differ from mine, yet we share the journey of grief. To figure out why we need to get up in the morning, some painful truths must be faced. The truths:

• Grief is work.  You won’t reconcile grief unless you do your grief work and accept loss. Acceptance can take months or years.

• Grief is pain.  Allowing yourself to feel pain will help you get through this dark time. The day will come when you realize your pain has lessened.

• Grief is scary.  “Can I survive this?” you ask again and again.  The only way to find out is to move forward. This may involve setting new goals.

• Grief is sacred.  According to Becker, “Religion increases well-being through the defense against stress.  Your religious community may also provide practical support.

• Grief is searching.  As you search for meaning in life, you search for your new self – a person who has experienced pain, reconciled it, and created a new life. You have the strength to make this happen.