It's Been A While



Hello, my friends, it's been a while. I am trying to wrap my head around the holidays and Tim being gone 6 years. It only seems like a moment ago, yet an eternity has already passed. I want to scream that it is not fair that time slows and speeds up at the same time, but I know fair has nothing to do with it. How does such an anomaly happen? I believe our memories and brain fight with each other trying to save us such pain only to bring on more. Where do we go from here?

There are no maps or blueprints, only many many others to share their experiences and hope they have helped at least one person stand tall and help another. Isn't that an amazing phenomenon? None of our experiences are the same, yet they are all alike in one way or another, another phenomenon. Why are we set up like this? What is the purpose? I don't know. I still look for that great purpose to show itself so I can honor my son, and yes, I have gone looking for it too. For now, it eludes me, does it elude you too? I know it is there somewhere (maybe in the dryer with the unclaimed socks). I try humor, but seriously ... it's not really there anymore, hopefully, it will come back with all the other things I am now missing and hope the new me meshes with some of the old me to make the new me.

Actually, the new me is already almost made but will always be in transit to pick up new things and ways. You know it's okay to be that way, don't you? Don't let anyone tell you differently. WE are different and will remain so. Oh, not all of the old is gone, but enough to make people uncomfortable around us. Tough!!!!!! THEY are not the ones who have lost this loved one. Take me as I am for that is what you will get anyone. Is anyone listening out there? Yeah, I know you are. I feel your tears upon my cheek as your heart beats louder, I feel the sorrow welling up from so many directions that it really has no direction at all. Now I sound like Alice in Wonderland. Maybe she had it right.

I read many, many posts a day on child loss and sometimes I have to back away and give my bleeding heart a rest. So many, so many stories, so much forever pain and sorrow. We can't explain ourselves, EXCEPT to each other, we have each other. That's important, very important. Join a group online or a live group and share your story. It may save a life. I know you all hurt, oh yes I do, but I truly believe that helping someone will help you. How you may ask. Well, I don't know but when it happens your heart kind of lifts up out of its sadness for a while.

I have kept you too long already so I will tell you that I am doing better. Yes, I have my days and always will and I have to accept that which I cannot change. That sentence means a lot more now than it use to. We will be blindsided by the ignorant, slapped by the loved ones and abandoned by loved ones and friends, but you know, those that stayed through it all deserve the highest praise, I don't know how they do it. They are worth their weight in Universes. I don't know if it will be a while again, but thank you all for being there when rock bottom hit and you lifted me up. All my Love and Praise, 'Forever Mom.'

About the Author

 My son, Tim, passed on January 5th 2014 at the age of 34. He chose to end his life. So many things happened to bring him to that point. Believe it or not, I understand why. No matter how our child died, that is the keyword 'our child.' I wish you all gentle days and nights as you walk your path. Barbara, 'Forever Mom.'