Where does one go from here? We have all of these dates and holidays bulldozing down on us and we are running scared. How much more pain can we be expected to take? Our days are already filled with so much pain we wonder how we can still be standing, talking, walking etc. Now comes the first anniversary, second, third, fourth of our loss. Ahead or behind comes the firsts for birthdays, holidays. By all the Gods, what can we do?
The first year I came to realize that the anticipation leading up to any certain date was actually worse than the day itself. It only lasts one day but we take many days before that day to build up the sorrow. For me, January 5th, 2014 started this new world I live in now. But it didn't stop there. Along came Mother's Day, Easter, all the holidays we spent with our son and it seems never-ending. From July to February I feel more upset, easily hurt, and think about what we all think about, joining our child. It is always there, just a moment away.
It will be 6 years come Jan. 6 long, sad years. Child loss is by far the worse loss I have ever felt in my life and have a feeling that there are many, many people who are in the same rolling, stormy ship that I ride. The ups and downs are so huge that we fall a long way only to pick ourselves up again and walk a little farther. We can never describe the pain that losing a child brings. But to each other, we know what we all are going through. I was ignorant of all of this once upon a time. Oh, how I wish I was ignorant now. One cannot know or understand us until they board the ship.
We all help each other just to keep our heads above the water wondering why we don't just drown. I'll tell you why we don't. We cannot put others through what we are going through. We cannot hurt others as we have been hurt. As the holidays draw nearer, maybe some of us contemplate leaving it all behind. Hang in there. You cannot go. In time, you learn to live with the ups and downs, the pain and sorrow. In time, you rebuild yourself, not into the one you were before but into someone very new. Someone better believe it or not.
Child loss teaches us to step back from toxic relationships for they are obviously not good for us. We learn to have more compassion for others and a lot more understanding. We talk less, listen more. On the flip side, we hide our pain, not necessary for others but for ourselves. I don't want to wear my private pain on my sleeve but sometimes I have to when listening to someone who is in pain. We are still here to help others who are like us.
Eventually, we don't exactly hurt less, but somehow we are able to cope with our sorrow better. I have days that I cry my heart out, just as if it were the first day and I have days that it all seems so long ago. Time is not good or bad to us, it just keeps traveling on and we either stagnate or hop on that train. I know how bad the pain is for you, I know. I wish I didn't but there is nothing that can be done about it. The holidays are going to be difficult but after 6 years, I know what is coming and I just let it go. I try not to anticipate what may or may not happen on those days. They are not different really than any other day. How I wish for gentle days and love for you all as the seasons change. Love each other, help each other. With all my love 'Forever Mom.'