Alone In My Own World

It has been three years and four months since Sam left us. He left his family, his friends and all that knew of him. Everyone knew him as "Smilin' Sam." He was the most loved kid I knew and still know. 

After three years, though, I still feel alone. I feel like I did the day he passed away.

I remember shortly after he passed we all went to the state fair and my other 2 kids were having fun and so was Mike. I sat there and just looked at all the people walking by. They were laughing, smiling, giggling and talking. I sat there in so much pain and was so mad. I kept thinking to myself how is it fair that they are going on with their life. Why do they get to be happy? Why do they get to make memories with everyone? WHY? I wanted to just get up and grab each person by the shoulders and scream in their face and tell them that this wasn't fair. I felt the whole world was against me and there I sat all by myself, alone.

I remember wanting and needing people to talk to me. I needed people to hug me. I needed to know that they cared. I needed to know that my boy would never be forgotten. I needed to know that he was okay. I needed help.

Three years later...this is how I still feel. I feel this even more then the the time right after he passed. I feel alone. I feel like if I cry, I am questioned. I feel that I cant cry and I cant share my boy with people. Don't get me wrong, I do. Every chance I get, I talk about him. I just feel that there is a part of me that is gone. Sam is always, always, always in my heart. I think of him all the time. But...what about everybody else?

I look at his picture everyday and just shake my head because I cant believe that he is gone. Sam is in my soul and will always be there but I still cant believe that my boy is gone. I just cant. Yes, you can say I have accepted his death but I still miss him everyday. I still feel alone in this part of my life that I couldn't control. 

I am alone because everyone has gone on. I am alone because there isn't a second that I am not thinking of him. I am alone because I cant go and just talk about him. I am alone because I have nobody to talk to. I am alone because the pain is real and has never gone away. I am alone because nobody knows how I feel. I am alone because it is a struggle to keep on going. I am alone because I want my life the way it use to be and I never will have it back.

I live in a world that isn't like it use to be. My family is a part of my life, but I feel far from them. I live a life that is for today. It is so hard for me to look that far into the future. Next month is as far as I can go. If tomorrow comes I try to be happy but I am not sure how genuine it is. I feel fake. I feel scared. I feel alone.

It's been three years and I still feel the same.