Another Easter Without You

Happy Easter to  you, to your family, your friends, and especially to your loved ones in heaven. 

I'm not really sad about Easter (surprise!) and I find that there is room in my heart, these days, for joy to poke it's little face inside--say a quick hello--and then skedaddle for a while. When the sun shines, when I can see the wide blue expanse of Spring sky, and when I can feel the fresh scents of new leaves on the breeze I am happy. It means Summer is not that far away and I LOVE SUMMER!

Is your grief unbearable and new? It's pretty hard to force yourself to feel anything, right? I had big holes in my heart. Just like Swiss Cheese. Empty holes that mirrored my empty affect. I had no affect: I had no emotions. I was just flat. I never smiled and I never wanted to smile. 

I discovered walking in nature (no big deal...just around the paths in my neighborhood with nice trees and pretty bushes) and nature started, slowly but surely, to calm my spirit. To fill up those empty holes with love and appreciation for our natural environment. I remembered how my Mom always used to love watching the little Chickadees. I noticed how the Crows, Ravens and Stellar Jays vied for being most obnoxious. 

Nobody told me that going for walks outside would help me in my grief journey. In fact, nobody that I know suggested anything to me. Most of my friends and relatives just disappeared off my radar. They didn't want to mention Rob's name (my late husband). They didn't want to remind me. As if. As if I wasn't thinking of him every second of every day and I was so anxious just to say his name out loud. But I never got that opportunity because other people are just clueless unless it has happened to them. I don't blame them; they just don't know. 

So, here's the deal. Talking about Rob to other people made him come alive--if even just for a minute. And it was so good. Such a good feeling for a change. But nobody else wants to hear it. Not even his family. Not even his friends. Nobody. So, I started writing. I wrote until at long last I could talk about him without breaking down in tears. Three years later, I can now talk about him with the biggest smile on my face. I know he's happy that I'm happy, too. 

It's not much of a secret, but framed as such, it is the real secret of grieving. Just say their name. Just talk about them as much as you can. Remember everything and talk about it. Talk about them as if they could be still with you. "I love this steak and kidney pie--it's Rob's favorite, too." "I'm going down to White Rock tomorrow on the bike. Rob and I used to love to go for drives down there." Include them in your thoughts, not just for the past you have shared, but for the present. 

I know he is with me, always and forever. The bonds of love are the strongest energy in the Universe. Once created, never destroyed. Love never dies. 

Linda Knappett, author Love Beyond Stars

www.lovebeyondstars.weebly.com