Choices

As I sit here, words fail me. There has been so much trauma and drama in my life that sometimes, I wait for the next shoe to fall, the next tragedy to strike. Then I shake myself and remind me that waiting for traumatic things to happen will not improve my life. To me, the worst that can happen is losing a child, I live with that loss every day. I worry about my daughter and grandsons and really can't seem to help that. Death so close shakes you to the very core of your being, tears you down and demands you rebuild into a different life. That is what we did when this new trauma appeared and I wonder if there was some lesson I was suppose to learn when Tim died and somehow missed the message.

Sometimes it is very hard on a daily basis to hold these two sorrows. Cancer was not in my life plan. I'm sure it is not in anyones. When I was told, I thought of my daughter, grandsons, and husband and how they were going to handle this on top of losing Tim. I am so terribly proud of all of them and so blessed to have them here with me. I know my daughter worries, she's like me a lot. But she has been a trouper, taking things as they come. She also gets after my butt if she thinks I am doing something wrong. My grandsons get it but thank goodness they have a busy life so they don't have to live it. And then there is my husband.

The day Tim died, Keith became my knight in shining armour. He had always taken care of me, but wow, he stepped up and protected me. There was so much diversity and infighting within the family that he tried to keep that away from me. Our wounds were so deep and he would not allow others to make them deeper. How he feels about it all, I cannot say here because it is pretty colorful. Lets just say he was less than pleased. He shielded me from harm. My hero. A year and a half into our loss, I lost my fight to live. My husband and daughter jumped into action and saved me. Yeah, they did though they don't admit to it. After all the struggle, I finally wanted to live again. To have a full life because I knew I would see Tim someday. For now, my family needed me as much as I needed them.

Two and a half years later, cancer raised its ugly head. It hurt my inner being. I fought so hard to live after Tim and then this snuck up on me and I wondered... was I even suppose to live? Or was this another life lesson? Why save me if I am to die so soon anyway. I had to quit thinking that way and let it go. Now, I am in a new battle to live, but without choosing to die. I told people it was a win-win for me. If I died, I would see my son and if I lived I would be here with my family... truth, that is not a win-win. I need to be here with my family and friends and go camping and fishing and enjoying those I love. I need to fight as I have never fought before. I will always miss and hurt over Tim's death. I long to hear his voice, his laughter, his stories. But for now, that will have to wait. "Forever Mom"