Dealing with Insensitivity

Dealing With Insensitivity

By Cindy Adkins

Going through the loss of a loved one is the toughest experience that anyone has to handle in life.  But, when others inadvertently utter hurtful remarks to a survivor, it deepens the wound and adds sea salt to it.  How would a person who has not experienced the death of someone close even know what such a loss feels like?  Further, what compels certain people to make statements, which are tactless?  I believe that it is because some individuals are unaware of how much their words hurt.

            If you have been dealing with others’ insensitive statements that have stuck in your mind and shattered you even further, what can you do?  I think that it depends on who says them.  If it is someone close to you, then you could express how it feels in a nice way.  Similarly, if it is something uttered by a person who is on the periphery of your life, then you may want to ignore it all together.  You have bigger issues at hand right now that need your attention—like emotional survival.

            So, just make sure that as you are dealing with your personal pain that you consciously decide not to let what others say affect you.  Easier said than done, right?  Well, not if you know at the get-go that this is likely to happen at some point.  You can be ready for it. 

            Instead, surround yourself by those who are nurturing.  This will help you tremendously.  A support group, which is in person or online, can help you be part of a community that understands.  Because grief is a process that takes time, you may even find that well-meaning family and friends “run out of steam,” so to speak.  In other words, they may be there for the first week or month, but then, they return to their lives.  That is where a support group comes into play.  These are filled with people who know what you are thinking and feeling because they are in the trenches with you.  They are dealing with their grief like you are.  Finding such a group can make you feel as if you have “come home”—home to a source of support, love, kindness, and understanding.

            Remember that statement by a co-worker or relative, which hurt so much?  Well, now you will be able to have a group of people who can hear what you have to say.  You can share from the heart and be yourself.  Likewise, the voices of these new individuals can serve as a balm during this difficult time.

            As for those people in your life who have said the wrong things at the worst time, you may want to consider putting their remarks in your emotional trash bin.  When I have something that is of no use on my desktop, I click a button and discard it.  That is what you can do with statements from others that are hurtful rather than helpful.  You can almost hear the “clink” sound as you do it, just like when your trash is deleted on a computer.  You may find yourself having to do quite a bit of “clinking,” as people can surprise you with what they might say.  But, when you know that you can get rid of it, by all means, do.  CLINK, CLINK, CLINK—into the trash bin those statements go. 

            Before long, if you start to hear something inconsiderate, just “clink” and realize that those words are not helping you heal and you need to get rid of them.  Chances are that the people who said them will not even remember their own inconsiderate sentiments, so why should you?  Let them go and chalk them up to people having no clue what to say or do in such situations.

            Right now, you may feel as fragile as a butterfly’s wing.  An insensitive remark at this point in your life is not what you need to hang on to—it is counter-productive to your healing process.  Toss statements such as those away and instead, embrace the precious memories of your loved one.  That is the person who matters—not someone who offers senseless free advice that no one asked for.