Dear Peyton Manning

Yeah, I know. Many who know me know that my writings have centered around grief and loss. They may think I have deviated from my new 'normal'. The Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning are actually a very large part of my grief process. We all have little oddities and triggers by the boatload from the loss of someone we love. We find ourselves doing things that they loved to do, eating their favorite food or going to their favorite place or we are at the other end of that spectrum and can't do anything that was special to them because they cannot do it themselves. The Denver Broncos is one such oddity for me. Tim was an avid Denver fan whether they won or lost, he was, like thousands, yelling and rooting for them.

The last months of Tim's life, we developed a routine. Tim had come home to live by this time, and to die. Every Sunday or if Denver played on Monday, Tim would get out his Bronco Jersey, get whatever he needed for watching the game, sit up his easy chair and settle in. During the games, he would text his friends and his facebook page about the game. He yelled, screamed, moaned and groaned and stuck with the game, winning or not. When Tim and I first heard that Denver was looking at Peyton, we both got excited. There will always be haters, no matter how great a person is, we were not in that group. We heard the whining of others that Peyton was washed up, Denver was making another big mistake. Tim and I thought differently.

That last day, Sunday January 5 2014 will forever be etched on my soul as it is with anyone who's heart has been ripped from their chest. By that time, Tim had not slept for a week. He had been denied his bi-polar meds and the effects of that loss was more than he could take. Mid afternoon and game time, Tim had not come out from his room. We thought he was finally getting the rest he so badly needed and did not attempt to wake him. It surprised me that our yelling and screaming at the game did not wake him. Of course, I didn't know then that he would never awaken again. The one thing I don't remember is if Denver won or lost that day. I could look it up, but I have no desire to do so.

You're wondering, 'What has Peyton Manning got to do with all of this?' In some ways, this man with his quiet dignity and deep humility, became to mean a lot to me. When one is grieving, their actions and words may seem to have no meaning to others. We have changed so much in an instant that we grasp on to anything to bring some normality to a life that will never be normal again. Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos became that small lifeline to normal. They became a touch to a son I would never touch again. That first Sunday, after Tim's passing, was so hard. I almost didn't watch the game. Deep in pain and sorrow something as silly as a football game was not on my radar. I did watch, I watched for Tim, I watched for me and I yelled and screamed and I cried and they won and I said, 'Did you see that, Tim?'

My internet friends rallied around the Bronco's that season, rallied around me even the ones who either did not like football or the Bronco's in general. They rooted for them knowing how much it mean't to me. One had a poster done up for Tim with Peyton on it and she hated football. Peyton and the Bronco's went to the super bowl and yes, it was not a good game, but still, they went just as Tim said they would. I still cry at times during the games as I look at his empty easy chair. His yells at the refs do not mix with mine now. But in my heart, I think he is watching all the same.

Last night, I went into Tim's room. I have not entered that room in almost 10 months. On his bed lay his Bronco Jersey and I cried. I walked around his room and touched his belongings and cried. I picked up his jersey and held it to my heart remembering how he wore it for every game just like a thousand fans do now. Sundays is loss day for me, yet for a while, I watch Peyton Manning and the Broncos and touch a piece of heaven. Win or lose, I will watch and yell and cuss at the Ref's and say, 'Did you see that, Tim?' I have a picture of Tim wearing that Jersey at a Bronco game. Not all triggers in our grief are bad triggers. We will cry and hurt over many things that associate with those we have lost. I'm willing to hurt as I watch the Bronco's. Thank you Peyton Manning for choosing Denver, for your dignity no matter the odds. Even though you will never know it, you help me touch Tim for a little while. Win or lose, it's game day Tim.