Did You Really Say That To Me?

Our changed views of the world become our normal out look. Everything is different, absolutely everything. Some things will right them selves, but most will remain changed and we become use to that change. It becomes our way of life. Just as we see the colors of the universe darken, we see people for who they truly are. Another painful rite of passage into this strange new land. If you think about it, you always knew who they were, it was just easy to turn a blind eye, accept the top layer and ignore the deeper truths. When we lose a loved one, we also lose the ability to over look bad behavior. Suddenly, their lower layers become glaringly obvious and we are unable to push that knowledge back down.

Before loss. This is who I was before Tim died. I accepted others rudeness, disrespect, self serving ways. I didn't like their ways, but would make excuses for them. Excuses such as 'oh well, that is part of who they are' or 'maybe there is something we are not aware of that makes them that way.' Excuses come by the millions. Easier to find an excuse for them then to call them on their bad behavior. A peace maker, don't rock the boat don't say anything. My example would be this: We had a sort of 'family member' who every time they came to visit, they spent the whole time either on their lap top or texting on their phone. My thought would be to wonder why they came if they could not bring themselves to actually visit with us and not the internet. Then I would tell myself that it was just that generation and their morals and attitudes are so different than what I was brought up with. Tim was close to the same generation as this person and would never have considered doing that.

After loss. We all know what that is, we live it. We see and hear people in their many layers. We have become intolerant in many areas. There are some things we expect when we lose a loved one. We don't really realize we expect these things, but they are there. We expect compassion, understanding, a gentle touch. While we may receive that from some, we are hurt by those that do not have that ability. We are hurt because they say and do things that cut deeply. We feel those knife wounds to our very souls. It is hard for us to understand how someone could be so callous, so terribly cruel. My example is the same person mentioned above. No, I am not picking on them exclusively. They happen to be the best example of many who are just like them. Recently, this person told me I was cold-hearted, that I had no right to think that my sons death hurt me more than it did anyone else that I used his death to be mean to others. Excuse me? Did you really say that to me? This person works in an industry where compassion is expected.

We have come to a point were our emotions are extreme. Will they always be that high? Some will, some may calm down. We don't know. What we do come to realize is that peoples actions toward us hinder or help any healing we may be able to achieve. We will never heal completely, but some things will. Keeping ones in our lives that are destructive to us becomes unbearable. We withdraw from them. When someone is careless with their words they make us move away from them. Before our loss, that would have been unthinkable, after our loss it becomes necessary. None come prepared for these things. We all, we who have lost someone, and those that know us are not ready for the massive changes loss brings to our lives. Many cannot accept who we have become and lash out at us and we lash back by walking away. The unthinkable becomes a matter of survival. It does not make us bad people. We are doing what we have to do not what others decide we should do.

The hard part was to let go of the anger that came from the careless, thoughtless words. That took a while. Learning not to let anger rule my actions. I find now, that when I get angry, I do nothing. I sit quietly and wait for it to pass. I become cruel when I speak in anger. I do not want to be cruel. But then, we didn't want any of this. It is all about learning isn't it? I am learning to be kind to myself. I accept that I am not perfect and will do things that can be regrettable. I can forgive myself for being only human. I have learned to not feel guilt for things beyond my control and not beat myself up over what other people cause. I do get it that they are only human too. Perhaps some of the lessons they need to learn in life are happening though the way they treat others. That does not mean we are wrong to walk away, maybe that is a learning lesson for them too. I do know that right now, I am better without that hurt to add to the rest of what I am going through. My love, my heart, whatever it is that directs my feelings has changed along with everything else. It has become more selective.