Five Days on the calendar that will never be the same for me

As grievers we all have an anniversary date, that one day on the calendar that will never just be one of the 365 days. For some there are more than one day.

Five Days on the calendar that will never be the same for me

It begins five days before June 14^th, the pain behind my eyes, unexplained exhaustion and an overall inability to focus.  Five days play out for me in a pattern or repetition much like the movie Groundhog Day. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing my body lets me know and I replay it. I have lived the following for 12 years and this year is now the 13^th.

The 10^th of June

For me the tenth is always a little off it seems like it should be good but in many ways it is always just wrong.

It was a beautiful early summer day.  My life was the American dream, something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  I was a young executive in a fortune 500 company on the Fast Track with 6 promotions in less than five years.  My beautiful wife and my wonderful 4½ year old son and I had just moved in to a beautiful home things were looking bright.  Oh there we problems, but nothing made me feel like I was not the luckiest man in the world.

There were some normal issues. Our son , Noah did need to have his tonsils and adenoids out the next day, he also had to have some tubes in his ears replaced.  He had had earaches his whole life and we were told that this would solve the problem.  But this was not going to be a big deal it was routine surgery and all was well.

The 11^th of June

The pace quickens and my heart pounds a little faster, I have a challenge sleeping , my temper is short , I know things are on a downhill slide.

I took the day off from work to take my son to one of the top hospitals in the country to be operated on by one of the top surgeons in the world.  The surgery went as planned.  Noah did not want to drink in the time frame that was required but they sent him home anyways.  We went home as a happy family.  We got Noah all of the treats that he wanted, popsicles, icecream , juice anything that might entice him to drink.  We got movies and were all set for the next few days and all would soon return to the beautiful world I knew.

The 12^th of June

I am tired, I am short tempered, I have a sense of dread.

This was a long day, things did not go as planned, we struggled to get Noah to drink we had multiple conversations with the doctor and we were constantly measuring his urine output.  Tanya and I were both worried, things were not right and we knew it, the doctor kept telling us things would be ok, and we trusted that they would be.  That night we had Noah sleep with us so that we could watch over him.

The 13^th of June

I am tired all day. I wish that there was some way that I could not be where I am.  I long for the way things once were.

Noah takes a turn for the worst, his urine level is not ok .  We decide to take him back to the emergency room.   He goes on an IV, he is still weak, the IV raises his hydration but he still will not drink, he still does not eat.  I am very worried but I know that things will be ok, he just had a simple tonsillectomy.  Tanya stayed at the hospital over night and I went home.  I was still so sure that things were going to be ok that I made plans for a business trip two days later.

The 14^th of June

I cry, I light a candle and I hurt, my body hurts , my mind hurts and I  cannot focus, my stomach hurts and I dread everything.

At 23 and ½ hours the hospital was forced in to a decision were they going to admit Noah or were they going to release him to send him home.  He was still not well and still had an IV but they decided, and not knowing that we had a choice to say no home he went.  A home health nurse was scheduled to come to our house to give him an IV that day. 

Tanya was exhausted and went to take a nap.  Noah and I watched a movie, I did not know it at the time but this would be the last “normal” moments with my son. 

Tanya woke up and returned to the living room. Within minutes Noah began to hemorrhage from the surgical site and died as she was performing CPR trying desperately to clear his airway. 

My life would never be the same.  I have come to learn that my life is not one that I would ever have chosen but it is a beautiful life.  I still feel the pain, I know that every year these five days will cause me pain and suffering.  I also have learned that realities of my life are much more like the distorted images of Dali than the Norman Rockwell it once was, things are often twisted and out of whack but beautiful none  the less.  I have learned to expect and prepare for these five days, they are not the same as they once were but still they are hard.

In Loving Memory of My Son

Noah Thomas Emory Lord 1-25-95 -6-14-99 4ever 4 4ever loved.