GRIEF: PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

Nothing is more puzzling than the aftershocks of grief. 

It's betrayal, pure and simple. Well, the betrayal is simple but the aftershocks are complex. 

First of all, your physical self betrays you. A family member or close friend dies: that, in itself, is a betrayal. But to make it even worse, your own body starts to rebel. Perhaps you have heart palpitations like I did. Maybe you have actual heart pain, like I did. It could be that you have convinced yourself that you are having a heart attack, like I did. (Disclaimer: I do have a history of angina so that possibly isn't 10/10 crazy, just 5/10 crazy.) There are many aches and pains caused directly by grief. It's no surprise that many grieving widows are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with depression or even PTSD. What greater betrayal than to have your mind go ahead and do its own thing?

Then, as sometimes happens, a few of your so-called friends will betray you by either dropping you as a friend (they can't handle the embarrassment of grief) or they will betray your choices by saying things like "He's in a better place" or, even worse, "It's about time you started to move on." Your choice is to grieve at your own pace: their choice is to focus on other things in their life. Fair enough--that's their right. 

No matter what your pace for grieving, there is always hope of a happier and more balanced existence. A life where you can smile at cherished memories instead of crying. Wishing for days when you can wake up each morning, once again eager to face the day ahead. But wishing won't make it so. Number One. 

Following the death of your loved one, how is it possible to put your life back together in a reasonably coherent fashion? Right now, it's looking a lot like a hot mess. Those puzzle pieces--the ones that used to be your comfortable existence--are just scattered. 

The Master Plan is just this: one piece at a time. In no particular order. Or, if there is a prescribed order, you make it up for yourself without external direction. The blueprint for rearranging your new life is written on your heart and in your mind. Nobody else knows it. Only you. But it's there, you just have to dig deep to find it. 

I can share with you what worked for me. I'm an introvert so I chose strategies where I didn't really need to interact with many people in any meaningful way. Being out in nature for the first time in my life, actually helped and healed. I went to places where I could be around people who were not grieving but in those places (Starbucks is one) I also was not required to interact. I didn't have to share any part of my soul. I was just too fragile to do that. 

Each time I went for a walk it was putting one piece of Old Me back into place. Each time I forced myself to sit over at Starbucks, another couple of pieces fell back into place. Strangely, when I talk about Bob (my late husband) with close friends or family, that also helps to put the pieces back. Sadly, the opposite is true, though. If I have to tell my story of grief or his story of dying to strangers...I can feel myself being pulled apart again into separate pieces. The puzzle disintegrates piece by piece. 

Are you an extrovert? I can only surmise that one of your best strategies would be to go back to work quickly so that you could be around people more. Going back to any of your social groups might be difficult at first but would pay great dividends of happiness and positive energy for you. 

In a real jigsaw puzzle, there is only one pattern that will complete the puzzle. Each piece must go back a certain way. Thankfully that's not really true for reassembling yourself following the death of someone you have loved. Afterwards, the pieces might go back into a stronger and better version. I call that person New Me. 

New Me is greatly disadvantaged in that my husband is no longer here for loving guidance and support. But New Me can draw upon recent experiences to build novel strengths. New Me is much braver and more confident in ways that count. Being an independent me was always predestined so that hasn't changed much. 

So how do you put your pieces back together? With much love, tenderness, and not much precision. Just a few pieces at a time. Keep your eyes wide open because you could be surprised at how those pieces reassemble. You'll be amazed.