Grief, such a tiny word

In these months of loss, I have found that grief is such a tiny word for what has happened and what is happening. There are no words to express the deep changes and profound hurt. We struggle on a daily basis to bring out that most of horrible feelings, but words fail us. Loss of a loved one has no comparison, yet we try to express it anyway. Searching for someone who understands. There are many, too many out there that do understand which means they are on the same plane of existence that you are. We do not exist above or beyond anyone else, we exist differently.

Grief, over time, becomes part us. It rules our days and nights, our thoughts, our very core. We do not realize that it has found a home in our hearts until we see that we have come past some of it. That is when we panic. Does this mean we are forgetting the ones we loved? Does it mean we are not loving them enough? No, not at all. The mind and body can only take so much before it starts to fight back. Grief is not our friend but it hides in that disguise. We may think that if we are not grieving continually, we are letting the one who left down. We are dishonouring them. But that is not so. The mind and body cannot sustain such a high state of emotions, over long periods of time, without being damaged. So they fight to heal themselves. While you feel that you do not care what happens too you, that you cannot survive this horror, your inner mind and body says different. They were designed to protect you, even from yourself.

Years from now, I know I will still have times when I am overwhelmed by the sense of loss. How could I not be? A billion memories tell me that I will never forget, never let go. To never let go does not mean that I need to hold Tim out in front of me every second of every day. It means that the child I bore, raised and loved is forever in my heart. He walks beside me in moments of remembered laughter. To move a ways beyond the profound grief is not forgetting him. It is allowing him to live on. To allow that deep hurt to rule my thoughts means that I could not think of Tim at all without withering in mindless pain. Not a way to love and honor my son.

You need to allow yourself to step away from the grief, such a small word that brings so much destruction. You do not have to think of them every second to love them, to remember them. I know that many feel guilty when they have not thought of that lost love for a whole day. Some pray and ask for peace, for the hurt to ease, but when it does, they feel guilty and lost. See it for what it is, the blessing you asked for. The ease you need to carry on. It is not a betrayal of those lost.

I wish what I feel could be as simple as grief. But it is not. There are no words in the world to express the loss of unconditional love. The light of total love that shines from their eyes, just for you. Grief is such a tiny word for such a deep hurt. To live without them seems like only a half life but it is not, it is just a different life. We fight against this new role that has been handed to us. The more we do, the harder it is. We had no choice when we were delivered into this twilight. Others made that choice for us. Strike a match, light up the darkness, learn to live again.

I will love my son deeply until my last breath, but I love those who are here with me also. I can no longer help him or save him. I can help them, love them, be there for them and still love him.