Growing Quickly Old After Loss

My husband Chuck died on January 24, 2009.Soon after the initial days following my husband's death, after the flurry of activity, the planning of funeral arrangements, friends and family  gone, I was in a state of shock, in a catatonic state, temporarily frozen in place, not knowing or understanding what to do next.

I felt numb, vulnerable and almost unable to breathe. I was retired from my career and therefore had nothing to distract me from my pain. Each morning I woke up to a steady stream of tears and heartache.

During this time I was mindful of my health and wellness and was diligent about keeping my regular doctor's appointments, you know, the eye doctor. the dentist, family physician. Since turning sixty, my physicians are my new best friends. It was at one of these routine doctor's appointments that my GP informed me that there was a new criteria that was being used to monitor blood sugar levels. My A1C level had fallen within the low end range of pre-diabetic. When the doctor told me this, I was floored. There wasn't a direct history of diabetes in my family as far as I knew at that time, but I realized that I had to work on becoming healthier.

Weeks later when I visited my ophthalmologist, he shared with me that he saw cataracts in both of my eyes. I was stunned again as I thought of cataracts as something that happened to others, certainly not to me, as I was still young. Actually, as it turned out, I was no longer young, but life and time had moved so quickly, and I’d been so involved with caring for my husband, that when I looked in the mirror I suddenly saw a woman that I hardly recognized.

As my luck would have it, during this time, my knees began to bother me, one more than the other. Early in our relationship I would run with my husband around the reservoir in New York City’s Central Park and I'm sure this added to the wear and tear on my ligaments. My husband had actually completed six marathons, and running was a fun thing that we did together. It would be almost 2 years after my husband's death that I would have to have knee replacement surgery, as the pain had increased to the point where my daily dose of ibuprofen was no longer alleviating it..

Here I was widowed unexpectedly, and finding myself aging quickly.

What did I do next? 

After my husband's death I would soon decide that I wanted to live and not die. I took charge of my life and changed my eating habits, hired a trainer, went to yoga. I worked on developing my mind, and spirit as well. I began to meditate daily and soon I was able to quell the anxious chatter and that was building up within my mind and focus on getting well. As I healed my body, I was also mending my soul. After a while ,I would see results and with a new sense of well-being, I gradually was able to lift  myself up and out of the tunnel of grief. I began to see a light in the dark which slowly grew and grew.

Why should we talk about our losses?

The purpose of sharing our thoughts and experiences after we lose a husband, wife or anyone close is to help others who grieve to understand that they are not alone. It is also therapeutic for the bereaved to unload one’s burden of grief. The bereaved feel alone, nowhere to turn and because of society's misconceptions and beliefs about those who grieve, what they do, what they aren't expected to do, how they appear to others, and on and on, oftentimes folks silently mourn  rather than “appear weak” or be held to the expectations of others.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and thankfully there are many support communities that have been created for people to have a platform to vent and feel a part of and not a part from. There are much-needed resources that didn't exist when I lost my husband, like the Grief Toolbox. What a blessing for those who are attempting to find their way back to a new normal. Grief stories, bereavement stories and guidance are shared in safe online communities. This can be very helpful to those who haven’t decided whether or not to seek individual counseling or to join a bereavement group.

How Do We Avoid Growing Quickly Old?

It’s important that we grieve mindfully. The tendency to stuff our grief, to just give up and hide under the covers is a reality for many who mourn, including myself. As time wore on, I decided that I wanted to survive my circumstance and begin to rebuild my life bit by bit. Here are a few ideas:

 1. Try to stay aware of new feelings of nervousness, anxiety, forgetfulness, and consult a physician, or grief /pastoral counselor to stay on top of the subtle and not so subtle changes that are taking place within after loss.

2. Exercise- Get out there and start moving, walking, running, walking on the treadmill, weight training, yoga. Any and all of these and other physical activities will help to increase endorphins and speed up your metabolism, which in turn increase your ability to get through each day stronger than before. If one is depressed these activities will help to improve one's emotional state.

3. Mindful Practices - praying, meditating, talking to your lost loved one, voicing your thoughts aloud, particularly if there is no one that you can confide in, is an opportunity for you to get it out. Whether you have a faith practice or not, talking out loud, oddly enough, assuages your spirit and creates an outlet for your pain.

Mindfulness, remaining in the present, is hard to do after loss as your mind drifts from one thought to another. It is easy to forget names, to misplace things, to forget tasks because your mind has been overtaken by the extraordinary event that has taken place in your life. But with practice, one will find that you're becoming less forgetful, and strengthening the ability to remain present. By being aware of the fragility of your situation you are able to counteract some of the side effects of loss. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong it just means you’re human.

I would suggest that those who have experienced loss try to be aware of their feelings as they grieve. Try to include some form of exercise, meditation and other activities that will increase the ability to get through each day as we become stronger and more resilient. Reading grief related literature and other people’s experiences with loss,allows one to understand the process from various points of view. Stay active and even consider making physical changes such as weight loss, new hairstyles, and freshening up our wardrobes. We can always improve our appearance or make changes in our homes, and as we do we are improving the way we feel about ourselves and gaining a sense of accomplishment. In turn we will begin to feel less hopeless and more hopeful

Remember,that our spouses would not want us to mourn them forever. They’re no longer here but they’re rooting for us to live our lives and carry on. Soon you will feel encouraged as well as alive again;no longer lost, but found. As a result you will slow down the aging process a bit,as you become stronger and gain the determination to not give up as you continue on life's journey.