Horror Movie Reruns

We stand up and we fall down, we stand up again and for a while we cope and feel stronger … then we fall down again.  Frankly, sometimes it feels like you’re being shoved down.  That is the nature of grief. 

We have hope and anticipation of reunion, but some realities we have to deal with in the now.  They have to be endured.  Like the cruelty of being woken up on an anniversary date by yet another nightmare. There is no escape from the horror of the moment. The rest of the world moves on as normal while I feel trapped in a cinema and forced to watch the same horror movie rerun that leaves a lingering trauma long after the last scene has faded and the lights are turned on.   I am changed in ways that I could never have imagined.

I am let out of this house of horrors from time-to-time for "intermissions". Sometimes a cartoon is run and I can laugh a while, forget the horror and see the light. But always the intermission ends, the lights are dimmed, the movie is rerun and I am forced to watch. Sometimes the setting and circumstances vary, but always the same 2 themes: searching for him, feeling abandoned and not knowing where he went without telling me, or the horror of the reality of that fateful day relived in vivid detail. I don’t know which is worse.

I wait for the credits to run on this movie for the last time. I don’t know when that will be.  I wait for the One who will bring His flashlight into the dark cinema and lead me out forever.  I will escape this cinema and find the eternal peace that only He can offer and be with my beloved forever.  The real story has a happy ending.